A special Halloween mailbag from our boy Smeet!
Trick? Or treat?
I’m old now, so the answer is Treat. I don’t have time to deal with tricks. Get off my lawn kids. When I was a teenager, the neighborhood I grew up in MESSED WITH EVERYONE'S stuff. I would make a Pumpkin-head dude wearing my clothes on the front steps and, every year on Halloween, someone dismembered him, smashed his head in the road and threw the shoes over the power lines.
One year on Goosey night, this is what us Northern NJ people call October 30th - if you disagree I have a case of eggs with your name on them - a kid in my neighborhood blew up a pipe bomb in our driveway. I never had proof it was him but, after that night, I guarded the house with my dad’s paintball gun lol.
Fast forward to these days and surprisingly nothing bad happens around here on the night before Halloween or on Halloween. Just good times. Moral of this story is that the town I grew up in sucks. Pretty sure I have a lot of backers to that statement.
What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever had?
Shocker but I hated Halloween for most of my life because I was scared of scary monsters and the likes of Jason and Freddy. My sister watched that stuff like crazy and it gave me nightmares. As a child, I always thought that bad people were in the crowds and undetectable since everyone was dressed up. That being said, I will break this up in 2 parts, favorite costume as a child and as an adult.
As a child my favorite costume was one of the ones my mom sewed for me from scratch, it was a Great White Shark. For this mailbag, I asked my mom and sister to dig through photo albums for a picture but sadly none could be found. My mom loved me so much to make these costumes and send me away on beach vacations with Mac and Cheese.
As an adult when I actually I cared to dress up to have fun my favorite costume was NAFTA. We celebrated in DC with the Commissioner and other league members plus other friends and it felt fitting for 2 reasons; 1) It was DC! And a politically motivated costume I thought would get a lot of credit and laughs (I got 0 credit and no one noticed.) 2) I thought it was funny to incorporate my heritage, as my nationalities breakdown as American cause I was born here (Commissioner's Note: Not for long!), but my mother is 100% Italian, and my Dad’s mother was 100% Mexican and his father was a combo of French and Canadian. So, to me I was the 3 parts of the North American Free Trade Agreement! My costume was dope! I wore a poncho and a sombero, the poncho was designed to be like a hockey jersey. The front had a custom made Maple Leaf, the back had the number 50, and the name on the back said NAFTA. it was creative and cool. Suck it DC for not enjoying it.
Does Wolfman have nards?
Of course he does, if you watched the movie, classic by the way, you would know this. But since you asked the question YOU OBVIOUSLY SAW THE MOVIE! "Monster Squad" for those wondering what movie.
Are you taking your daughter trick or treating? If you are, what is she going to be?
Did I mention that I don’t like Halloween and neither does my wife? But we aren’t terrible parents and we certainly will take her, most likely next year. Though this area seems to partake in the Trunk or Treats, not your traditional going door to door thing. That being said we had a hard time trying to dress up our daughter this year. We had an EPIC pig costume for her but she would not keep the hat, hand, or feet parts on no matter what, which made her just look like a pink blob. We dressed her up in some all-white clothes and a foofy skirt thing and put shapes of arctic animals on her shirt to make her a kind of Ice Princess. It didn’t translate very well but half the kids at her daycare wouldn’t wear their costumes either.
Now in hindsight and the INFINITE wisdom of a co-worker we missed an amazing opportunity to dress her up and have it workout. Her hair is in that awkward length stage and we always put her hair up and she looks like Pebbles from the Flintstones. Co-worker naturally said why didn’t you dress her up as Pebbles!? D'OH!
What's your favorite Halloween movie?
See above, I think it’s "Monster Squad." Not really scary, kids are the heroes and even some of the monsters (Commissioner's Note: SPOILER ALERT!). It’s an all-around good time. I don’t know if that counts as a Halloween movie or not but another movie that I surprisingly like that SCARES the be-jesus out of me is "The Blair Witch Project." Given that my girlfriend at the time lived in the middle of the woods in an already in the middle of nowhere town sleeping there after the movie was insanely scary. Her parents and siblings weren’t home either. Of course I had to act cool so she wouldn’t be scared being home alone, but I was TERRIFIED!!!!!!!! Right now if I blink I see that last seen with the guy in the corner and the girl screaming.
What's your least favorite Halloween candy?
Candy Corn! I don’t want candy just dumped in my bag that isn’t in a wrapper. And it smells, and it just looks gross. That’s all I have to say about that...
Peeps. Nah or hell nah?
Is this really a Halloween treat? Either way, it’s a HELL NAH! I love marshmallow but the weird combo that is a peep is just gross to me. It’s disgusting actually. Funny story though…that is actually still continuing because I bet it happens again, is about my lovely mother, who again blesses me all the time especially with Mac and Cheese so I won’t starve to death like my friends. I am 37 years old and my dear mother STILL gives me an Easter basket, my wife gets one too and so does my daughter. EVERY YEAR, my mom gives me Peeps, without fail. And EVERY YEAR I tell her HELL NAH to Peeps. AND EVERY YEAR she says “Oh I didn’t know that, what would you like instead?” AND EVERY YEAR I ASK FOR ALL TOOTSIE ROLLS AND MILKY WAYS! Maybe the 38th year will be the ticket. I hate the thought of having to bring it up in February and say “just a reminder before you go out of your way to make your adult son an Easter Basket because you love him so much, DON’T GIVE ME SHITTY PEEPS!”
This is a family site, so please answer accordingly. What is your favorite sexy costume?
Easy. Nurse. You cannot go wrong with that. I will stop there, but FIRST funny Halloween nurse story. One Halloween, I dressed up as a doctor. It was an easy ass costume, I wore my work clothes, khaki pants, a blue button down, a gold and blue tie, a giant foam stethoscope, and a lab coat that said “Dr. Seymourbush” on it…lol (Commissioner's Note: Oh boy... [Eye roll]). Anyway, I went to the bar where we were and I ordered a drink. (This is about to be why Halloween as an adult can be epic). As I am waiting, a gorgeous girl, dressed up as a nurse, asks me if I am a real Doctor…I said no but I play one on TV. She laughed and said she was a real nurse for an office down the road blah blah, but she liked my costumer and my joke, shockingly, and asked if we could play Doctor…My now-wife was waiting at the table. Never get married too young kids! Love you wife!
What level of hell is reserved for people who are home and don't answer the door for Halloween?
Easy, the deepest depths of hell. Like the type of hell where you go and watch the Giants look like the Browns for eternity. Excuse me while I take a moment to collect myself since I just watched a practice-squad QB torch the Raiders, meanwhile the Giants can’t do anything except keep putting the clay figurine known as Eli on the field with a face of a melted snowman.
If the owners of the league were trapped in a haunted house overnight? Who gets out alive and who dies?
This is my favorite question of the whole mailbag and look forward to dreaming up my answer. Be prepared, this story will have more holes in the plot than a "LOST" episode.
Let’s get the deaths out of the way. First, Makese doesn’t make it because he decides early on in the house that the best weapon is a Golf Tee. It ends badly for him right away. Carlos and FIL are next because FIL keeps yelling at us to stop picking on Carlos which gives away his position. Carlos goes next because while running from the killer the Commish trips him so he can get away instead. Carlos’s sister - Mrs. Riff Raff - finds out and calls the Commish to yell at him for letting Carlos die (I may have been the one to tip her off), being distracted trying to talk his way out of the situation the killer nips him. (Commissioner's Note: This is 100% accurate)
The Casualty List:
Fredo's next because he is too afraid of all the blood and he doesn’t have any hand sanitizer to guard against germs. He’s presented with an opportunity to save himself and possibly more victims, but when he goes to kick the killer down the stairs he slips, breaks his collarbone and it’s good night Fredo.
Toby is next because after all the running he starts coughing uncontrollably, asks the killer for a time out, and doesn’t get one.
Next it’s the Unicorn. While exploring a way to get out, he discovers the house is fitted with a Tesla Powerwall and Solar Panels, he likes this. While calculating the carbon footprint of the house the killer sneaks up behind him and takes him out with a lead pipe covered in motor oil.
The Casualty List:
With our numbers dwindling, Mark, Tito Galen, the Sausage King, and Garcia all try to outsmart each other in an effort to gain the advantage to survive. Immediately, the Sausage King and Tito Galen form an alliance and trade Coop and Mark some sweet guns. But the guns are NERF guns and Mark and Coop are helpless to defend themselves. Coop could be heard screaming “THIS IS WHY I DON’T TRADE YOU SON OF A B…” Mark meanwhile laughs at the killer, shows him a hilarious GIF and dies like a man.
The Casualty List:
We are now down to Stabs, Garcia, the Sausage King, Tito Galen and yours truly.
Things get a little crazier now as the sun is about to come up. The Sausage King decides the best move is to get to higher ground. We climb to the top of the house and up in a bell tower. Yes this house has a bell tower. We actually get a break as the killer is waiting us out. As we are waiting Tito Galen and the Sausage King start talking about how awesome it is to be Filipino and they can’t wait to get out and celebrate Filipino Pride Day next year. This makes Stabs incensed. He starts to argue with the Sausage King about Filipino Pride Day being bullshit and that he invented it. They start fighting and Stabs pushes the Sausage King off the edge of the tower, but the SK is a ninja and manages to grab on to the side. Being he is my best friend I go to save him. As I am pulling him up, he says “Thanks for not letting me die, I am sorry I made fun of you for all these years” and I let go. Sorry man, should have thought about that before you cost me thousands in therapy. Galen, completely distraught at losing his nephew comes at me. But given his age and advanced stages of osteoporosis, when he tries to hit me his forearm snaps in half and he bleeds out from the compound fracture.
The Casualty List:
Garcia, Stabs and I realize we are taking each other out now and need to regroup. We decide we need to make one last effort to get out and follow Garcia, aka the Purveyor of Death, to the front door where the killer is waiting. Garcia it turns out is wearing the new Tactical Crocs that have Uzi’s and flamethrower built in. He unleashes a hail of bullets and flames at the killer who runs away screaming like a little girl. He kicks open the front door and Stabs and I walk out behind him.
In my sheer excitement of managing to survive I run down the steps, slip, and manage to break both arms and legs.
Stabs though feeling the loss of his bretheren walks back to his double life as Stabs and Spina. Garcia puts on a new pair of Crocs and goes home to check on his fantasy football teams while playing Pokemon Go on the way and it picks up a sweet Thunder Santa Hat Pikachu, legend has it he said “this was a good day.”
Smeet, happy to be alive, takes a nap.
Lone Survivors:
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