Welcome to the Week 6 #GMRRFFA power rankings, where a lot has changed after what will likely be one of the pivotal weeks in the 13-week regular season. I’m taking back control of the weekly power rankings this week, largely due to a certain undefeated team skewing poll results last week in his favor.
But, first, I have to get a few things off my chest right off the bat and they are as follows:
The IT people at #GMRRFFA gave me additional RAM on the computer this week, which is exciting as I’ll be able to prep creative content on the website much much quicker (no more spinning icons and “this page not responding” for your commish). I preface this by saying the content will be available faster but it won’t be any better, so you’ve been warned.
Following up on #Smeet’s mailbag last week, I received a message from the alleged poop shamed Adam in Mount Vernon, and he claimed he’s been wronged by the entire conversation, which dates back to two #Smeet mail bags ago. He noted he doesn’t use the controversial toilet any longer, and that the intern never resigned, but was quietly relocated to a new office at Adam's place of employment.
Next week, we have a bit of a schedule shift (we'll keep you posted) as the Sausage King of Vienna is selfishly taking a vacation to Puerto Rico and refuses to prepare a weekly column because he claims the collective bargaining agreement strictly prohibits working on vacation – be warned that this “me first” attitude is not the culture that I’d like to convey at #GMRRFFA headquarters. Apparently, he’s been receiving a ton of fan mail from the Philippines and adamantly believes he’s becoming an overnight celebrity in southeast Asia, meaning his list of demands will likely continue to grow…
Speaking the infamous Sausage King, I loved and hated his fantastic running diary from my first (and likely only) podcast appearance. He’s clearly uncomfortable with a lack of ink splattered across the Riff Raff website and social media handle, and reacting much like my three year old junior Riff Raff by throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get enough attention. It’s unfortunate to say the least and I can assure readers like you that we at #GMRRFFA require the utmost professionalism in our staff. In any case, I hope the Sausage King can follow #Smeet’s lead and reflect the professionalism we expect from HQ.
Ok, I’m done with updates and let’s jump in to why you’re all here – the Commish’s power rankings. I’m reinvigorated this week as I know owners and others who voted last week have a new sense of appreciation as to how difficult these are in any given week and the false claims of bias and collusion can officially be put to rest. Let's get started...
14. Vienna Sausages (The Sausage King)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 12th
Analysis: Seriously, these are UNBIASED power rankings and I don’t allow personal feelings of animosity reflect on my professional work product. Like Brett Kavanaugh, I will not hold a grudge against the Sausage King for his incredulous comments yesterday…
Ok, just kidding, here’s the actual power rankings…
14. In Bob Mueller we Trust (Toby)
Record: 1-4
Last Ranking: 13th
13. Bad Journeys (Smeet)
Record: 0-5
Last Ranking: 14th
Analysis: Screw it, I’m already 500 words deep and there’s really nothing left to say about these two, who are a combined 1-1 against each other and 0-8 against the rest of the league. I bumped Smeet up mostly because Toby fell below 100 points (again) . His roster is so bad, he only has three active players ranked in the top 20 of any position – JuJu at 11 (his only asset), Ryan #Fitztragic at #10 (benched) and the Jets Defense at #3. For Smeet, at least he has a pulse and, like he said, “Toby is picking up my sloppy seconds with the addition of Fitzpatrick.” His roster is also an albatross but he has draft money and a few decent keepers. Otherwise, let’s just move on so I remain enthused about the league.
12. The Pain Train (Fredo Maisel)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 9th
Analysis: In a world of fantasy football upheaval, I’m really excited that some variables are returning to the norm. You may not recall but once upon a time Fredo was 2-0 and actually reading recaps and engaged in the league WhatsApp group chat. After three straight losses? #GMRRFFA officials are checking with Mrs. Maisel to ensure he’s alive and ok. He lost a tough Rivalry match-up to the Sausage King this past week and adamantly thought Mark Ingram would deliver nearly 40 points for a win. Obviously that didn’t happen. Fredo’s real problem is inconsistent play in his starting roster – over five weeks, his squad has ranged from 107 to 157 points – so trying to figure out how he performs every week is anyone’s guess. He gets FIL this week before a reinvigorated Unicorn, Tito Galen, and LKA! over the next few match-ups. He could definitely pick up a few Ws along the way but the good news is he won’t be ranked lower than 12th any time soon (see above).
11. Dead Sea (The Unicorn)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 11th
Analysis: Whoa! 2018 looking a lot like 2017, amiright? Like ’17, the Unicorn started 0-3 before scoring two straight wins and a potential winning streak – wait, never mind. It’s a different season. In his two wins, the Unicorn is only averaging 111 points and one of those victories came against Toby so that doesn’t really count. Also, in 2017, he was averaging 116 points through five weeks; this year, he’s only at 106. There’s more, in 2017’s Weeks 4 and 5 wins, he averaged a blistering 150 points. The reality is the Unicorn has a completely different team now, and with only Ezekial Eliiot as a top-10 performer, I’m not really sure where he goes from here. He gets LKA! this week and I’m not sure Garcia doesn't double him up.
10. Kerryon my Wayward Johnson (Coop)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 6th
Analysis: God bless Coop, who came up short against Dorne in Week 5, but after 3 strong weeks to start the season at 2-1, he’s really taken a tumble. In the first three weeks, he averaged 139 points but the last two weeks? Just 103 points. Coop’s notorious for inconsistent performances – last year, he had a three-game win streak followed by a five-game losing streak – and this year thus far has a similar feeling. The good news? He’s played some of the better teams already – FIL, LKA!, Dorne – and gets Stabs before somewhat of a reprieve starting in Week 7: the Commish, Carlos, Toby, Smeet and Fredo. He could realistically be 7-4 or better heading in to a brutal Tito Galen/Cinderella Makese at the end of the season.
9. Vienna Sausages (the Sausage King)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 12th
Analysis: F*ck this slanderer… He had a nice win over Fredo and his team is humming along at a nice clip and that’s before Keenan Allen actually performs. While I don’t agree on selling draft dollars for a rental in TJ Yeldon, the Jags’ RB will help in the short-term. This line-up is by all means respectable and I’m curious to see what Le’Veon Bell’s imminent return means. James Connor is already the 5th ranked back in the league, averaging 23 points (Bell only averaged 22 last year), so the Sausage King is probably hoping Bell is traded and then he’ll have two studs in the line-up plus Yeldon.
8. Trubisky Business (The Commish)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 8th
Analysis: I’m not changing a damn thing in my line-up or in my unbiased ranking. With Mike Evans and both Bears RBs on a bye, I lost by 28 to FIL as a result of a number of historic results, Cincy’s D scoring two TDs, a 63 yard FG, and ONE touchdown from my entire team. I’m not saying my team is any good right now, but it can be. The real problem thus far? My two wins came against teams with a combined 3-7 record and my losses to teams with a combined 10-7 record. (i.e I beat crappy teams and I don’t see one on my schedule again until Week 9). More concerning, I still have Tito Galen, Stabs, LKA! and Makese in my remaining 8 match-ups… yikes.
7. Lets Eat a God Damn Snack (Stabs)
Record: 3-2
Last Ranking: 2nd
6. Denver ponyboys (Carlos)
Record: 3-2
Last Ranking: 10th
Analysis: I had to combine these two – I do rankings specifically on which roster I think is best coupled with results. On paper, Stabs has the better squad, but how can I ignore Carlos walloping him last week? I just can’t. I questioned Carlos being 10th in the vote last week (should’ve been higher) and in his three wins, he’s averaging 149 points – 20+ higher than the league average. Meanwhile, Stabs dropped only 85 points last week in large part both his wide receivers posting zeros. Last week aside, Stabs is averaging 150 per week. His WRs remain a question mark, but with Deshaun Watson beginning to perform (25+ points the last four weeks) and Todd Gurley averaging near 29 per game, I wouldn’t be too concerned with his squad. For Carlos, he has the good fortune of an easy remaining schedule – just two of his opponents over the last 8 weeks currently have records above .500 (Makese and Dorne).
5. Dorne Diredonkeys (Mark)
Record: 3-2
Last Ranking: 5th
Analysis: For a team with AP, Carson, Chubb, Ty Montgomery and Latavius Murray as its running backs, I’m not really sure how Dorne continues to perform. In fact, scoring suggests he’s been more lucky than good, averaging just 121 over the last two weeks. Julian Edelman on the roster is a nice upgrade to pair with Michael Thomas, and Dorne has to be excited for OBJ to have a pulse again. If and when Gronk plays up to Gronk-like potential and his RB situation is finally settled, Mark could be formidable. At this point though, its better to be luck than good (ask my fourth-ranked team).
4. The Big Gronkowski (Tito Galen)
Record: 2-3
Last Ranking: 6th
Analysis: Another WTF ranking at 6th last week reaffirms my decision to regain control of the power rankings. My dude is averaging 150 points per week in all match-ups – 2nd highest in the league. His worst performance? 134 in Week 2, or 5 points higher than the league average. His weak links? Kareem Hunt and David Johnson (seriously?), and David Njoku, who has posted double digits at tight end since Baker Mayfield took over the starting job in Cleveland.
3. Dude Where is My Carr? (FIL)
Record: 4-1
Last Ranking: 4th
Analysis: I was tempted to make him #2 but then I remembered he needed multiple historic moments to gain a comfortable win over one of the more overrated and egotistical owners in the league, so #3 seems about right. The Ryan/Barkley/Woods/AJG pairing has been on point, averaging 93.7 points per game this season (By comparison, Toby’s entire team averages 99.5 points), rivaling the best from Tito Galen and LKA! His issue remains at the RB2/Flex/Def spots, where Alfred Morris, Allen Robinson and the Cincy D remain questionable in terms of whether FIL can win a championship.
2. Lights, Kamara Action! (Garcia)
Record: 4-1
Last Ranking: 1st
Analysis: All it took for Garcia to suffer an unimagineable three-point loss was Alvin Kamara scoring 23 points less than average, Mark Ingram swiping two goal line touchdowns, and Drew Brees to become the all-time record holder for passing yards in NFL history. Additionally, all it took was LKA! benching Rodgers (38 points last week) for Luck (30), Julio Jones not scoring a touchdown, and Golden Tate underperforming his season average by ten points. Otherwise, LKA! is totally and completely vulnerable. Right?
1. Team Motley (Makese)
Record: 5-0
Last Ranking: 3rd
Analysis: AND YOUR NEW #1 TEAM IN #GMRRFFA – congrats to Makese for the huge win, and its always better to be lucky than good. Can we never forget this guy was ranked 14th in my initial August power rankings? We have never had a team go from worst to first in the rankings – ever (though 2018 is the first time I’m doing these). His win over LKA! gives him complete control of the division and he only faces two teams with winning records the remainder of the season (Carlos in Week 7, FIL in Week 11), plus the Puppy Bowl this weekend and visits from Smeet and the Commish on the horizon. He’s first until he loses – mark it down, well, unless LKA! averages 200 points over the next three weeks.
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