Good God! That's - That's Commissioner Reilly's Music!!! Good God, WHERE DID HE COME FROM?!?!

Dear friends of the League –

Its late March, brackets are in shambles, opening day is only a few days away where most of us will feign interest in baseball until May, subsequently find ourselves watching the LPGA Nabisco Classic from Del Boca Vista with a vested interest before reevaluating our sports priorities… Some will post Instagram pictures from traveling through parks in California, others pictures of their kids, others still will continue to ignore me even as things get closer to August…

Then, earlier today, Makese sent a message to the FPD/NCAA basketball WhatsApp page… all it said: “I looked at my bracket this morning and besides Villanova it’s a blood bath.” That literally reminded me of his 2017 fantasy team, featuring Tom Brady (Villanova) and keeping Stephen Gostowski for $22 last year (bloodbath), and then I laughed, wondering how long I could make fun of Makese about that (to date, August 2017 through March 16th, 2018)…

Then, I checked ESPN, and I couldn’t open a new season yet and said: I miss you. Not any specific owner, more the league (ala Neo missing the Matrix in a very sadistic way), so I scrolled through and decided, for your reading pleasure, to prepare my Top 10 favorite 2017 moments from that amazing season via the weekly recaps none of you read! So here it goes and let me know if I missed anything.

10. MAKESE KEEPING GOSTOWSKI What I said in August: “…Makese kept the 13th-ranked kicker for $22 when only two other kickers were drafted for more than $1 (the next highest was Justin Tucker at $10). Meanwhile, 5 top-ten quarterbacks were drafted for less last night. While Tom Brady helps, the point is his money could’ve been spent better elsewhere…”

Guess what? I was right. I feel like I owe Makese an opportunity to explain, but fuck it, he’ll live in infamy forever.

9. My Ongoing Sales Job

Look, I’m sorry, but I may have at one point referred to my trade offers as “voracious” and while I received a ton of input on those offers along the lines of “No” or “I don’t want that garbage” just remember handcuffing Riddick and Abdullah was a fantastic idea that YOU should’ve capitalized on. I’d love to apologize for the exorbitant amount of offers, but I won’t. Just remember I made nearly 200 offers this past season and TWELVE were accepted… well, technically 13 but let’s not go down the Julio road… And guess what, there’s more to come next year.

8. Toby Takes on New League Responsibilities

Despite his pithy team names and a roster of mediocre Dallas Cowboys, Toby found himself with a lot of free time this season, and embraced a new (and unpaid) low-level management job in the League offices, including creating the League’s inaugural trophy and setting up draft dates! Congrats buddy and keep up the good work!

7. My Self-Awareness about the Length of Weekly Recaps

My Week 1 recap was less than 800 words and I thought that was too much… By Week 13? 2,000+ and only Pete and Silvio reading them for two very different reasons (one was winning a title; the other had abnormal bowel movements). Despite being long-winded with an audience of just 2 solid compatriots, I continue to believe that this email will be no less than 2500 words (Editor’s note: It’s note, just about 1,300 words), and the 2018 season will likely average somewhere around 2650 each week.

6. Carlos & WhatsApp

Whoever thought of the WhatsApp group chat (Pete?) deserves an award; its fun even when its at my expense. Nothing is better than 13 of 14 owners being in the group (BTW, the 14th owner left his phone at a Smash Burger somewhere in Colorado this morning so probably better he isn’t in the group), but just remember that Carlos didn’t read any messages from November through February until March 9th!!!! (This is a favorite stat of mine – there’s literally hundreds of messages he just ignored, like this email). Shouldn’t surprise anyone though; Carlos didn’t make a roster move until Week 8 last season… But he pays so whatever.

5. Trading Draft Dollars!

If you thought my trade offers were voracious before, just wait until 2018! Its gonna be the golden age of my fake fantasy football ownership! I’m going to be George Steinbrenner to your small market squad…

4. The Kamara Williams Award

The inaugural worst transaction of the season award was unveiled this season and while some may argue that the list wasn’t completely accurate (Gronk for Engram anyone?), the league was near unanimity in awarding this prestigious designation to the recent Brooklyn transplant, Jon del Rosario, who made the terrible, awful decision to drop Alvin Kamara for the immortal Johnathan Williams. It was fantastic on too many levels and caused a level of vitriol I never knew Jon had in him.

3. The Morabito Family Trade That Wasn’t

One, I’m really really proud that I led a campaign to veto a trade that at the moment appeared too one sided… STLU trading Robert Woods and Chris Ivory to the Ponyboys for Dak and Eric Decker. That said, the amount of venom and curse-ladened texts from my FIL was something that still keeps me up at night. It was controversial, and ultimately, not so lopsided… The trade would’ve taken effect in Week 9, and the Dak/Decker combo netted 95.4 points through Week 13. Comparatively, Woods and Ivory netted 92.7 points, so it looks pretty even. BUT, when you go down the rabbit hole and look at playoffs, Dak and Decker net 85.8 compared to just 27 for Ivory and Woods… THEN, in the first round, STLU lost to Dorne by 24.1 points after STLU’s QB Josh McCown went negative 2.3… Know who had a massive game that week? Dak who dropped 34.3… so, STLU probably would’ve pulled off an upset and ultimately finish in 4th place. Sorry John but hey I gave you two grandkids so hope we can call it even…

2. A Nu Name

Silvio changed his name to the gritty ANUS, and ran up a 13-2 record from Week 4 through the playoffs. After that 0-3 start, a lot of you slept on him, but in a league full of parity his team was BOSS. His worst performances were better than most teams put up all season and even if his playoff performances weren’t record shattering, his run was pretty friggin epic. Honorable mention to Pete’s team who won 6 in a row very quietly and ATHNN who had a five game losing streak for the second year in a row!

1. Week 13 of the Regular Season

I love this league for everything besides the individual owners and not yet winning a championship myself; week 13 encompassed everything about why this league was so much fun and warranted over 30,000 words in recaps from me throughout the season.

This is what I wrote after that epic Monday night game to complete the regular season:

After last night’s game, all EIGHT seeds changed due to some incredible results – with less than 4 minutes to go in that game, both division titles and the final two seeds were all in play, impacting  SEVEN teams directly (and three more indirectly), so holy cow. Trubisky Business made an epic comeback on Dorne, STLU made an even more epic comeback against Stabs, and the Denver ponyboys late sack coupled with kickoff yardage stunned Pete’s WSPDs, ending the underdog’s six game winning streak. The Fire Division champ was determined by the final play last night, and the Fury Division champ was determined by less than 1 point.

In any case, it may be the highlight of my time as commissioner; league interest was so high even Stabs commented in the WhatsApp chat! We may never have that much at stake in one night again, but here’s hoping 2018 lives up to it!