On a third-and-one from his own 29 with 1:17 left in the fourth quarter, the Panthers’ Cam Newton (aka a poor man’s Russell Wilson), completed a short pass to Christian McCaffrey for a modest five yard gain, and after nearly 16 games of Week 15 in the NFL, the two teams were set for Riff Raff Bowl III.
There’s so much to analyze from the week that was, but it seems only fitting to look at the #1 FIL vs. #5 The Sausage King semifinal match-up, which ultimately was decided on that last-minute play, near 59 minutes into the final game of the weekend, and resulted in the narrowest margin of victory of the 2018 season for the Vienna Sausages. That’s a lot, right?
In any case, the SK knocked off FIL 105.5 to 104.9 and we can all rave about the drama (I’m confident I’ll hear about it for seven straight days when FIL rolls in to DC next week), but let’s not get too worked up. The performances of both teams was nothing short of pitiful. FIL’s 104.9-output was his worst since Week 7 after he’d averaged 135 over his previous five weeks. It’s going to be a long off-season for my father-in-law, as he reflects on Saquon Barkely’s Week 15. Coming in to the weekend, Barkley’s worst performance all season was 14 points, and he averaged 25 points per game ahead of Week 15, including four straight 100 yard games. That said, his 9.6 was abysmal at the absolute worst time. Eric Ebron didn’t help things either, with just one catch in an Indy rout of Dallas, and Seattle’s Defense posted just 5 points against San Francisco two weeks after dropping 19 on the same team.
Otherwise, FIL’s team actually performed consistently, if not impressively – Ryan at 29, PeyBar at 17, AB at 15, Woods at 16. It’s a long off-season of what could have been for the gregarious grandpa.
Meanwhile, can we talk how lucky the Sausage King was this week? Despite his third worst performance of the season, this guy advances to the ‘chip. He was playing from behind from the get-go, with a Keenan Allen goose egg/injury on Thursday night and the subsequent 0’fer from the Giants kicker whose name isn’t worth looking up. Meanwhile, the heavy emphasis on non-CMC Panthers skill position players may be ill-advised in the Riff Raff Bowl, with DJ Moore and Ian Thomas combining for less than 7 points Monday night.
It’s clear that the Sausage King swapping Cam for Russ Wilson was an A+ move (how the SK got Brieda too is an abomination) and those two with CMC and whichever Steelers RB plays is essentially the only winning formula for the Vienna Sausages.
That said, he faces the Purveyor of Death, the Carnival of Chaos, the Crocs are Cozy Contingent, Eric Garcia, in the Riff Raff Bowl this week. It became pretty clear very early that Garcia wouldn’t be dropping 200+ again this week but it also became clear it didn’t matter against an injury-plagued Carlos. The ponyboys were once again without Melvin Gordon and, aside from a strong Mike Evans performance, were largely over-matched in the semifinals. Only Evans and Hilton posted double digits for Carlos and the entire roster – including Andrew Luck – failed to produce a single touchdown.
By comparison, Garcia’s squad posted a strong 153 points in the rout, even with down games from Amari Cooper and Travis Kelce (combining for 24 points). It was a well-rounded performance for the Purveyor of Death, who has score 140+ in five of his last six en route to a 5-1 record in that stretch.
Finally, recapping the LB6 seems necessary, I guess. With a monster Jr Riff Raff toddler and another Jr Jr Riff Raff infant with an ear infection, I struggled to follow match-ups as usual this weekend, largely missing all NFL action (hey, I’m an expert on Twitter, don’t @ me). But, it was very clear that Fredo Maisel was in the hunt to advance over a dejected Unicorn squad. How’d I know? Easy. On average, in a given week, Fredo comments 1.6 times per 500 Boy Chat messages. This week? That number jumped to 232.1 per 500 messages. Guess what? I was right.
For the first time in four weeks, Fredo eclipsed 100 points (seriously the 3 previous weeks 62; 75; 53 in a W in LB6), putting the final stake in the reigning champ Unicorn’s season, 114 to 89. To be honest, there’s a level of irony I can’t ignore… he’s been savaged for misguided trades all season, but if the Unicorn kept Russell Wilson and Brieda, he’d actually would’ve beaten Fredo by about five points. That said, he didn’t deserve to win anything this season, posting under 100 points in four of his last 6. Kudos to Fredo, who only needs one more 30 point game from Mike Williams…
Meanwhile, the Unicorn remains less than happy:
On the other side, the League’s Best Smile knocked off Toby Kobach, but not without some controversy. The final score is fairly misleading, but Coop won by 19 points over a disappointing Toby Week 15 performance. Heading in to MNF, Coop chose to protect the 19 point advantage, benching both Drew Brees and the Saints Defense, which obviously ruffled the feathers of some owners:
And led to a from-the-hip rule proposal that’s already been placed on the Commissioner’s Opposed List this off season:
First, I candidly don’t see anything wrong with the decision. If there was some shady maneuvering behind the scenes, I’d have become involved, but this was a straight strategy decision, even if largely unnecessary. If this was a five point game, I’d totally get Coop’s strategy. It wasn’t. The Brees/Saints D combo provide 25 more points, and the match-up would never be in doubt.
That said, consider this the single biggest break for Fredo heading in to the LB6 final, because I would never ever ever fuck with the Fantasy Football Gods…
What’s at Stake?
Riff Raff Bowl III
Look, everyone does this for the cash money, but both Garcia and the Sausage King are of a somewhat different ilk. They both want to win as much for bragging rights and a hypothetical championship belt which may or may not be real. Unfortunately, the title game may be short on drama, in large part due to injuries in Vienna (Conner and Allen). I’m agnostic on who to root for, both are terrible people in their own right, but both are good people in their own right, so it’s a flip of the coin for who to pick. If you like underdogs, the Sausage King has to be the choice. BUT if you like Crocs, its Garcia all the way.
The Morabito Consolation Match-up
I was secretly hoping it’d be an all-Morabito Riff Raff Bowl, not because I like them over others (though I absolutely do), but more so Mrs. Riff Raff would be invested in GMRRFFA on Christmas Eve while the Reilabitos sat around a TV watching the final games determine a Morabito champion ahead of Santa stopping over, which ultimately would lead to the Mrs. agreeing to an expanded Riff Raff Football conglomerate budget as we head towards 2019.
Since it’s a consolation match-up, its less sexy and now I hope FIL wins, mainly so it doesn’t disrupt the Reilabito Seven Fishes Christmas Eve dinner (smelt, mussels, shrimp, clam chowder, homemade pasta with clam sauce, etc). Regardless of a winner, I’ll need to get FIL a paypal account next week, so that’ll be fun.
(How about that “expert” fantasy football analysis people? I’m one big stream of consciousness after sleeping on a reclining chair with a 24 pound turkey strapped to my chest over the last two night)
LB6 “Finals”
I was tempted to label this a championship, but it doesn’t really feel that way. Its more like the end of trial experiments on humans… the results should be seen as an aberration more so than a shining example of fantasy football excellence. If this doesn’t feel like NBA teams tanking for the #1 pick, its not far off but I digress…
Having said that, someone is about to win $109 draft dollars next year, or the equivalent of someone like Julio or Saquon, all for stringing together three straight wins. I’m actually relieved that the Unicorn isn’t still in the running, because that seems like it would have been an egregious error on my part, where a team lost in the bracket but still eventually was rewarded the draft dollars (this isn’t a dig at the Unicorn, more the ill-advised bracketing of the LB6).
So its Coop and Fredo, Fredo and Coop, vying for the coveted draft dollars. Both teams are on a two-game winning streak (ha!) despite somewhat lackluster QB play in the LB6. For Coop, Brees has posted just 21 points over the last two weeks and for Fredo, Goff is barely in double digits at 11 points. No surprise but any participant in LB6 lacks a level of consistency (or else they’d be in the playoffs) and yet Coop at least has the more consistent players – Diggs at 18 points per week over his last five, Edelman at 17 over his past five, and Dalvin Cook at 17 over the same period.
Fredo doesn’t have the same luxury, relying quite a bit more on flukes – seriously, I’m a Mike Williams homer but his 36 points last week is 25 points above his season average. Meanwhile, Fredo posted just 53 in the first round of the LB6, but remember Smeet dropped 44… there’s a lot of lucky breaks for Fredo Maisel so let’s see how it plays out. I could easily see Fredo drop 150, or 60, and probably not in between.
Good luck to everyone who remains in contention for something this weekend. Its been a fantastic season overall and anyone with rule changes feel free to send to commissioner@riffrafffootball.com.