Aaaaaaaaand we’re back. Welcome to the 12th edition of Riff Ramblings. In this installment, we’ll pick up where we left off all the way back in Week 11, with Part 2 of the GMRRFA x Marvel Cinematic Universe mashup. (Quick aside, is it just me or does Week 11 seem like at least a month and 30 trades ago?)
This week, we focus on the division that actually matters, the one and only Kidney Stone division.
The Big Gronkowski/Tito Galen - Baron Helmut Zemo
The under-appreciated villain of the exceptional Captain America: Civil War, Baron (is he a Baron in the movies?) Helmut Zemo is ultimately responsible for all the awesomeness in this film. Zemo takes a simple motivation, the death of his family, and goes for the ultimate long con, scheming up a super complicated plot to pit our heroes Cap and Iron Man against each other. And while The Big Gronkowski was never going to sneak up on anyone, from the very beginning of the season, GMRRFFA owners were assembling their teams and making strategies against each other, with the eventual goal of taking Tito Galen out. In that way, Zemo and Tito Galen are extremely similar in that they are both the initial stimuli to the action that followed.
Zemo is obviously not that dynamic or fun to watch (Commissioner's Note: Another similarity!), leave that for the epic scene on the airport tarmac, so Marvel drastically reduced his screen time. Instead, the camera follows the Avengers and company around, making it easy to underestimate Zemo and his plan. For the most part, Tito Galen has been laying low from a transactions point of view, and the few pickups he has made have been part of long-laid plans, less about adding depth to his team and more about keeping players of possible value away from his competitors. That’s some next level shit and I respect it.
Bonus: Anyone who’s curious, this is what Zemo looked like in the comics and along with his genius-level intellect, he was known to carry a spray gun of “Adhesive X”, what Wikipedia explains as “the most powerful bonding agent ever invented”. Yeah, comics are weird.
Team Motley/Makese - War Machine/James “Rhodey” Rhodes
Makese, Makese, Makese. Will the real Makese please stand up? Without going into stats (that’s the Commish’s job, after all), Team Motley started out lights out, but has spent the better part of the season as a punching bag, statistically and jokingly. Before being recast as Don Cheadle, Tony Stark’s best friend, Rhodey, was played by Terrence Howard. However, because of salary disputes, Terrence declined to stay on for the sequel, bringing Don Cheadle into what became an extremely lucrative franchise.
If rumors are to be believed, Robert Downey Jr. and Howard both signed on for three picture deals. Howard actually made significantly more than RDJ for the first film, $3.5 million vs $500k. That’s right, even though Tony Stark was the star, Howard was coming off of Crash and Hustle & Flow, so the studio thought it appropriate to pay him more. $3.5M is a huge number in respect to a Marvel film first appearance, as most of the actors sign on for a measly $100k for their first movie, even as recently as the Ant Man franchise. When Iron Man 2 came around and RDJ obviously shined, Marvel Studios backed off its $8 million dollar agreement with Howard, effectively saying the movie would be a hit with or without him. In comes Don Cheadle for the very reasonable price of $1 million dollars, RDJ gets a raise to an even $10 million and the rest is history. Fast forward to today, Marvel movies make bajillions and RDJ is estimated to take home $200 million just for Avengers 3 and 4. No news on how happy Cheadle is being invited to a billion dollar franchise or how many Tylenol 3s Howard force feeds himself to go to sleep at night.
I know that was an extremely long tangent about Iron Man salaries, but I thought that nicer than more unnecessary jabs at Makese’s weak-ass roster.
Carnival of Chaos / Garcia - Thanos
Sauron, the Purveyor of Death himself, it only makes sense that Garcia get the pleasure of the Thanos designation. Extremely active with trades and pickups, Garcia’s moves have been in-your-face, over-the-top and aggressive, which matches up nicely with the Mad Titan. Assembling his own version of the Infinity Stones in Zeke, Gurley, Julio, Kelce and Amari Cooper (hey, there needs to be 5), Garcia is still my odds-on favorite to win it all (if he makes it in the playoffs).
Speaking of which, how the hell are the 8 heroes that are left in the MCU going to beat Thanos? Rumor has it, the solution will involve time travel, which not only makes sense, but is probably the only realistic solution to make sure Garcia or Tito Galen don’t take it all this year.
Bonus: Apparently, there is an online fanbase for Thanos, fetishizing him as a “sexy thicc daddy”. Google at your own risk.
Trubisky Business/The Commish - Loki
My thinking with this one, was that The Commish had to be a villain (Commissioner's Note: Agreed). But, unlike the other villains in the GMRRFFA, he has never actually been seriously threatening and eventually becomes an anti-hero you can root for. Enter Loki. Conniving, manipulative and self-serving, Loki is constantly scheming for an edge. Back when he thought he had a chance, The Commish was wheeling and dealing, preying on folks to acquire players like Hopkins, Kittle and Edelman. Arguably, all solid moves. Shifting gears, nobody has made the transition to non-contender and seller, smoother and more effortlessly than The Commish, seemingly raking in $30 in fun coupons for every player on his roster. The Commish took the same wheeling and dealing strategy and applied it exceptionally well to his fire sale. Take note, Bad Journeys, Gruden's Manifesto, and In Robert Mueller We Trust, not only are you terrible at managing winning lineups, but you’ve also been exposed as sub-par sellers. It’s been quite a sight to behold and I, for one, am here for it.
Kerryon My Wayward Johnson/Coop - Falcon
Honestly, I don’t have a lot of material to go on with Coop, except that he apparently hates the state of Florida. I played around with making him Jarvis or maybe Doctor Strange, but decided to go this direction because, as a lifelong fan of comics and now MCU movies, I can’t even tell you what Falcon’s real name is. A quick Google search reveals it is “Sam Wilson” but even after reading that, we will all forget that fact approximately five seconds from now. When you make as few moves as Tito Galen, but your roster is not nearly as good, and your record is 6-6, this is what you get. Falcon, aka Sam-freaking-Wilson.
Bonus: In an effort to make Falcon more interesting in the comics, Marvel played around with giving him the power to see through the eyes of birds and remember bird memories. Did I say comics are weird yet?
Bad Journeys/Smeet - Black Widow
More representative of Smeet's group chat behavior than his fantasy performance, he is the Black Widow for his untameable flirting ways. First hinted to be romantically linked to Hawkeye, then inexplicably Cap for Winter Soldier, and most recently pinging for Bruce Banner, Black Widow seemingly can't make up her mind on who she wants to get jiggy with. Marvel execs just don't know what to do with her romantically (I, for one, reject the idea that she needs to be paired up with a male counterpart, but that's a column for another time). I mean, if that doesn't resonate with the MFK (I'm not explaining this) antics Smeet has been offering up lately in the group chat, I'm not sure what to tell you. He's been bouncing around from the laps of The Unicorn, Tito Galen and Mark Hutchinson like the town tart. One of the many perks of our league is obviously the friendships and camaraderie it has fostered among us owners. However, in Smeet's case, I'm suspicious his friendship might involve more black leather than usual.
Vienna Sausages/Sausage King - Erik “Killmonger” Stevens
I’m the writer, so I'm making myself my favorite MCU villain, Killmonger. In an effort to get to his home, Killmonger literally kills his way to to top, sacrificing his morality and soul, all to take his rightful place in Wakanda. At the start of the season, the Vienna Sausages were on the outside looking in, with an average draft and a lone keeper (Bell) who was not in play. So, as a franchise, we rolled our sleeves up and got to work making deal after deal, spending draft dollar after draft dollar enlisting the help of stars like Antonio Brown, AJ Green and CMC throughout the season. All of this, just to be recognized as a top contender and hopefully make it to the promised land, the playoffs.
But, like Killmonger, the Sausages' strategy might be flawed from the beginning. We may have been too aggressive, giving too much of ourselves too early, our star burning brightly but not for very long. As we get to the end of the regular season and teams began picking their sides, playoffs or losers bracket, the Sausages have been relatively quiet with no more draft dollars to spend or expendable assets to offer. Meanwhile, the other contenders have been in an arms race, adding more and more firepower to their already impressive rosters. And when the time comes for the Big Gronks, the Carnival of Chaos, Dorne or even the Ponyboys to slip that knife into my championship hopes, I'll have no regrets. It's been a fun season and I got to be royalty for a few days. Wakanda, forever.
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