Last Wednesday, history was made here at #GMRRFFA, when our illustrious Commish made his debut as a future media icon on the The Donut Bag podcast. So to help commemorate this historic occasion, Riff Raff Ramblings will break ground on our first running diary!
Dorne Diredonkeys was the first to notify the league via groupchat that the episode featuring The Commish just dropped. Mind you, this notification happened at 12:38 AM Eastern Standard Time, the timezone where most of the league resides. I am not sure what he was doing up that late, monitoring the timeline, but rumor has it that there’s an adult male handing out coloring books filled with curse words spelled out in cutesy bubble letters to kids in his neighborhood, so I’ll let you decide what you want to do with that information.
The next comment in the group chat is not for another five hours, at a much more reasonable 5:30 in the morning. You know, that time of day when all responsible adults are up, getting ready for school, work, errands or, in this case, to discuss their friend’s appearance on a podcast to discuss the game they all play, where they imagine that they’re general managers of pretend football teams FOR FOUR STRAIGHT MONTHS (Commissioner's Note: #GMRRFFA is 12 months a year but whatever).
Speaking of, at 0-5, can what #Smeet is doing actually be considered as still playing fantasy? At this point, he’s kind of like the guy who shows up to a weekend bachelor party with Magic the Gathering cards and his Doctor Who DVD boxset. Technically, yes, he is physically there, but everyone understands the unspoken agreement that they’re not to interact with him at any cost.
This is my first time listening to The Donut Bag, but I’m pretty excited to hear what its all about and more importantly the smooth jazzy tones of The Commish’s voice. The Donut Bag, hosted by @joeybagovdonuts, according to his Twitter bio is a “podcast about Pittsburgh sports & other stuff”. Hooray for “other stuff”, because I think we can all agree that we here at #GMRRFFA are definitely more “other stuff” than we are Pittsburgh sports. Enough delay, lets get to the diary:
1:19:29 -- The episode description says The Commish’s segment starts at the 1:19:29 minute mark of the podcast. I fast forward, to that exact moment, but I’m pretty sure neither of the 2 people discussing the Atlanta Falcons are The Commish, as I’ve only ever known The Commish to speak at length about 3 topics: 1) his dedication to this commish-like duties for the league; 2) his unrequited love of the Bears and simultaneous vicious hate of Aaron Rodgers; and, 3) how Fat Joe and Ashanti filmed the video for “What’s Luv?” at his alma mater’s gymnasium. Also, in the description, Joey describes The Commish as “maybe the best fantasy football commissioner in the country”. Between this and the incorrect start time, Joey is 0 for 2, but I remain cautiously optimistic.
1:19:50 -- Joey ends the previous segment, introduces The Commish and calls #GMRRFFA “THE MOST INVOLVED FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE HE’S EVER SEEN”! It’s official. I’m pumped. LET’S GO!
1:20:30 – An impressive 40 seconds into the interview and we have The Commish telling his first lie, where he states, “he doesn’t claim to be an expert” at fantasy football. A puzzling statement, as anyone in who’s ever made a trade in the league that didn’t involve The Commish, could probably tell you. He is not only an expert on fantasy, he is THE EXPERT. And THE EXPERT generously offered you a Theo Riddick/Anthony Miller package deal, but you passed on it like an idiot. Clearly, you’re an idiot who doesn’t deserve Anthony Miller or his obvious keeper potential. (Commissioner's Note: I never had Riddick this year so this is a lie - last year, I offered Riddick and Ameer Abdullah as a package. This is all fake.)
1:20:46 – He created a league “with some of his closest friends”. Excuse me?!?! Some of his closest friends? He has other friends? Does he even talk to other people? Is it possible he’s forgotten his pledge to the owners to have 13 children so that we can draft for rights to give them middle names? I have questions.
1:21:04 -- Following an extremely pregnant pause, The Commish reveals that someone in the league has a hobby that involves gas masks. Mental note: Find this person and become their friend.
1:21:05 – Joey asks The Commish if he maintains the web site, to which he stammers, eventually replying in the positive with a confident, “I maintain that. Umm. Yes. I maintain that.” In a totally unrelated note, today at our daily team meeting, The Commish asked me and Smeet what RAM was.
1:24:00 -- What’s this? A story about how one of the owners dropped Alvin Kamara in 2017? I am 100% sure this topic came up organically and was in no way a prepared talking point going into the interview.
1:24:08 -- Joey responds to the Kamara anecdote with a breathless, “Oh my goodness.” HEY THANKS FOR NOTHING, JOEY! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FAIR AND BALANCED REPORTING! Meanwhile, I’m suppressing the urge to pour gasoline all over my body.
1:26:00 – WE HAVE RAT TAIL MENTION!
1:26:49 – Oh hey, another totally organic mention of the Kamara drop. Cool.
1:28:22 – Finally, the first mention of this column, Riff Raff Ramblings, on the podcast. I fully expect one of my columns to be mentioned and begin take over the conversation. I mean who else uses biblical tropes to write a column about fantasy football. My headphones are firmly on my ears and I have turned off Food Network’s Halloween Baking Championship. That’s right, I am officially dialed into the rest of this podcast.
1:28:42 – Welp. That was fast. Hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
1:29:34 – The now infamous Baked Ziti vs Stuffed Shells poll. LONG LIVE STUFFED SHELLS!
1:30:49 – The listeners just find out that Carlos is 23 years old. This later proves to be false, but reminds me of a certain night where we were in a bar at 6 o’ clock in the morning in Atlantic City. I offer to buy our group (those of us who were still awake) a round of shots, but Carlos stops me and INSISTS on buying the next round. Immediately after which, he gets a phone call form his mom, asking why there is charge on her credit card at a bar in NJ at 6 am. Ahhh, good times.
1:31:30 -- Joey belts out an enthusiastic “WHAT!?”, when he finds out our league 1st place prize is $800. It is at this moment that Joey realizes that the #GMRRFFA doesn’t fuck around.
1:33:22 – Mark (Dorne Diredonkeys) writes one article and he gets a full minute of coverage devoted to him. I write 1 every week (6 for those keeping score at home) and barely get mentioned for 20 seconds (I refuse to count the Kamara time). This is something I will bring up later in therapy.
1:35:28 – Commish describes 4 teams, who’s seasons are “in the tanker”, a metaphor that I am unfamiliar with. Smeet, Toby, The Unicorn and THE VIENNA SAUSAGES!?! Now where did I put those matches.
1:37:49 – Sounds like Joey is about to wrap up, but not before he says that “it seems the league has a life of its own.” Oh, sweet, sweet Joey, if you only knew. My oldest was trying to tell me what she wanted to be for Halloween tonight, but I can’t tell you what she said, because Daddy needs to find the latest Leonard Fournette injury report, sweetie.
1:38:55 -- The Commish signs off on a note saying we should all demand more from our fantasy commissioners, “Ask. Request. Push.” And I, for one, could not agree more. So Commish, I have a small ask, a small request, or push if you will.. On behalf of the Vienna Sausages franchise and our handful of fans (I see you Filipino readers!), we are asking, requesting and pushing you to please stop with the crappy trade offers and then sulking afterwards. I do want to make a deal with you and am optimistic we will close one soon. You don’t get Antonio Brown unless I get DeAndre Hopkins. You can consider the Vienna Sausages “interested, but don’t think you can hustle a bull shit artist.”
Big thank you goes out to @joeybagovdonuts. Thanks for having our Commish on and giving #GMRRFFA a platform to be showcased. Everyone check out his podcast The Donut BAG, if you love sports and other stuff. They’re doing some big things over there!
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