Wikipedia tells me that “the Christian apocalyptic vision is that the Four Horsemen are to set a divine apocalypse upon the world as harbingers of the Last Judgment.” Basically, when these guys show up, you do now want to be around. We are taking about some real End of Days ish here.
I wish I could tell you that I am familiar with the 4 Horsemen by spending my formative years, first through eighth grade, in Catholic School, or even through my own independent theological studies at one of our nation’s premier Roman Catholic colleges. But, no, that wouldn’t be true. I first learned about the Horsemen from X-Men comic books. I mean, if you seriously never read the origin of how Apocalypse turned boring goody-two-shoes Angel into his badass Angel of Death, Archangel, with the blue skin and metal wings, then you have some serious Googling to do. And if you’re reading this, scrunching up your nose, thinking to yourself, “WTF is this dork talking about”, please keep in mind I graduated from an 8th grade class consisting of 5 people. Total. So, it was almost mathematically impossible for me to have lots of friends. And whatever, don’t judge me. You probably learned about the Horsemen from wrestling (Commissioner's Note: Guilty).
Pestilence: Smeet/Bad Journeys
The first Horseman, Pestilence, represents plague and disease infecting everything in its path. Smeet set the tone early for a crazy year for our league, being involved in 3 of the biggest trades of the season (giving Baldwin for Burkhead/Shepard, gifting Kelce to LKA! for two Heineken bottle caps and some lint he had in his pocket, and offloading J. Gordon for Crowell). Seriously, someone who’s better than me at math, please calculate the point totals for the players he’s received. Also, don’t forget that Smeet’s Baldwin trade indirectly lead to him being dealt for OBJ, but more on that later. And to think, we haven’t even been playing a full month yet. Similar to the PSA he gave in the groupchat about questionable Twitter follows of enterprising individuals of flexible morality, I will give you all a PSA now, just because I care about you. All of you. BE MINDFUL OF YOUR DEALINGS WITH SMEET. He is the Outbreak monkey of fantasy STD’s (are they called STI’s now?), so if you do decide to throw caution to the wind and roll around in the proverbial hay with him, do not be surprised if he calls you 3-4 weeks later to let you know it might be a good idea to get your team tested. Those flu-like symptoms are not going away without the help of some strong antibiotics.
Famine: Toby/ In Bob Mueller We Trust
Remember that OBJ deal? True to his name as Pestilence, Smeet contaminated Toby’s lineup with the Doug Baldwin addition, making his lineup literally starved for points. I know, my astute readers, Smeet didn’t actually deal Baldwin to Toby, Dorne Diredonkey’s did. But the OBJ deal never takes place without Smeet making the preceding transaction with Dorne in the first place. Remember kids, when you make a fantasy football trade with someone, you’re not just trading with them. You’re trading with EVERYONE THEY’VE EVER TRADED WITH. Scary stuff, right? Maybe next time, keep it in your pants.
And obviously, everyone in the groupchat knows about Toby’s hard times since. In Bob Mueller has the 3rd lowest Points Scored total and is rapidly trending downwards, being the only team to fail to score 3 digits the past 2 weeks. (Side Note: the 2 lowest teams in Points Scored, Bad Journeys and the Unicorn’s Dead Sea, have both since announced individual fire sales respectively. Not a great sign. Toby’s clothes are getting noticeably baggy on him and people are starting to worry. )
War: The Groupchat
This one could not go to a particular person, but rather is dedicated to the groupchat as a whole. Wooo! It’s been a contentious week for us in Whatsapp. I’d post screenshots, but even that has been a source of conflict.
Emotions have been running high. Words have been said. Apologies have been exchanged. Nothing out of place for the best fantasy league the world has ever seen. If anything, the emotional roller coaster shows just how much our owners care about the league. And yes, like any good league worth mentioning, we are a pay league with a handsome prize. But maybe more important, pride is on the line. We are an active league that’s taken to document every painstaking detail, every highlight and every low point, here at our own site. We’ve got 3 contributors writing content, week after week, about our lineups, our teams and our social media efforts. Shit, I’ve got 3 separate groupchats where the Commish tells me how many followers @GMRRFFA has minute by minute (Commissioner's Note: Hater). It’s one thing to read analysis about the actual NFL teams, but here at #GMRRFFA, we are giving you customized content, tailored to your team and the league in general, so it makes sense that our owners care more than most (and if there’s still any doubt, i’m sure a quick survey of our respective significant others will vouch for this).
And with that care and that level of emotional investment, its only natural for emotions to run dangerously high. While it would be easy to see this as a downside, I, for one am excited for the energy it to the league. And looking to the future, as more teams join Smeet, Toby and Unicorn in the basement of the standings, that leaves less competition for the rest of us to take home the championship. I’m sure that will calm things down, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is, fasten your seatbelts, kids, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
Death: Garcia/Lights, Kamara, Action!
I don’t actually know Garcia, but just to be safe that will probably be the last time I mention him by name. For all I know, he’s like the Eye of Sauron and saying his name only brings his attention and wrath upon your team. That’s not a chance I’m willing to take. Have you seen the numbers he’s putting up? He leads the league in Points Scored. He has the highest differential between Points Scored for vs Points Against. He’s the only 3-0 team worth being fearful of, sorry, Team Motley, but its true. He Who Shall Not Be Named is just eating people’s lunches out here and it doesn’t look like there’s anything anyone can do about it. Much has been written about his lineup (Julio, Kelce, CMC), but by far the most terrifying is Kamara doing his best impression of John Wick looking at every other team like they killed his dog. I am holding on the thin hope that Smeet uses his Pestilence powers for good and deals him a ticking time bomb. Seriously, Smeet, I’m talking to you now. Deal him someone. Anyone. Well anyone, except Keenan Allen. NOT. KEENAN. ALLEN. The league will be forever grateful.
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