Greetings, Ramblers! (Is that a thing? Can we make that a thing?) Full disclosure, when I was trying to come up with this week’s column, I racked my brain to try to find a way to incorporate Halloween, but to no avail. A short behind the scenes anecdote before we get into the awards, at our last staff meeting, I asked my colleagues here at GMRRFFA to give me a list of the biggest villains in the league for a potential column idea. Surprisingly, the Commish and Smeet gave me 2 very different lists of their biggest villains, which I haven't analyzed yet, but probably means we all hate each other here. Unsurprisingly, yours truly was featured in both of their Top 3. The lesson, as always, is “the only thing they respect is disrespect.”
If you’re still interested in a Villains column, definitely tweet @gmrrffa and let us know. I have it on good authority, the Commish loves tweets about Riff Raff Ramblings. It’s his favorite part of the job apparently. Anyway, if you’re still here (and if the title hasn’t already given it away), I thought it would fun to write a Mid-Season Awards column. I guess technically it isn’t mid-season, because the fantasy season is only 13 weeks (not 16 like the real NFL), but how about giving me pass. I write this thing for free.
The “Check For A Pulse” Award: Kerryon My Wayward Johnson/ Coop
It’s common knowledge that as the 1992 Dream Team of fantasy football teams, Tito Galen’s Big Gronkowski roster is in a position to not need too much adjustment, and as such, has made only 1 trade this year. However, you may be surprised to find out that Coop is the only team not to have participated in a single trade this year. Also, he has the 2nd most amount of FAAB left (1st is Makese, who obviously prefers to spend draft dollars over FAAB, but more on him later). Put those 2 facts together, and that Coop avoids the groupchat as if Toby and Smeet are discussing computer parts in there 24/7 and it would be easy to forget that Wayward Johnson is even still in the league.
The “Congrats! You Own Doug Baldwin” Award: In Bob Mueller We Trust/ Toby
It’s fitting that there be an award named after the player, who I am sure everyone remembers, started this year’s insane run on trades. What everyone may not remember, however, is that Dorne Donkeys/Mark traded Baldwin and Dion Lewis to Toby and all he had to give up was Mr. 3rd Highest Ranked Wide Receiver in the league, OB freaking Jay. A few weeks later, and I think it’s only fair Toby send Mark an invoice for $40 2019 draft dollars just for his troubles. In fact, as recently as this Friday, I was negotiating with Toby IRL (that’s what the kids say, right Commish?) to buy low on Baldwin, only to be told that he’s holding out on moving him until his value goes up. Two days later, Baldwin goes out and scores 4.6 points. Keep waiting, Toby.
The “Oh Man, What Happened Last Night” Award: Trubisky Business/ The Commish
Speaking of trade negotiations in real life, I wasn’t the only one trying to close a deal at the bar Friday night, and I don't mean Toby with that Reese Witherspoon book-signing attendee, who oh my God, seriously has the funniest stories. Details are fuzzy, but I vaguely remember Fredo/The Pain Train sending an offer as a joke to acquire Mike Williams for Derrick Henry, who at the time was tied with me for touchdowns this season. Not sure if the Commish was still hopped up on his buzz from prying Sanu and $25 from Team Motley’s cold dead hands, or more recently from the Pacifico drafts, but this deal closed, continuing Matt’s recent streak of successful trades. Adding insult to injury, I grabbed some late night eats post-transaction with both teams and got the privilege to watch the Commish eat the world’s saddest cheesesteak. As proof, may I submit to the court Exhibits A, B and C that effectively sum up how the Commish’s night went:
The “MC Hammer” Award: Team Motley/Makese
This award goes out to the most frivolous spender, blowing money fast like Rick Ross at a WingStop, Team Motley has the 2nd to last lowest draft budget for 2019 at $234 (the dubious honor of lowest budget belongs moi at $219). It would make total sense, if you assumed that with that balance, he obviously is all-in this year and is spending to make a run for the championship. But, looking at his roster, it’s hard to see where all his money went to. In fact, Makese has exactly 1 skill player ranked in the top 10 at their position (Jared Cook the #7 TE this season). In comparison, the teams closest to him in 2019 draft dollars the Vienna Sausages ($219), LKA! ($242), and the Dorne Diredonkeys ($258) all have 4 players ranked in the top 10 at their positions. In the meantime, I’m sure the vultures will continue to dangle their shiny gilded garbage in front of Makese in the hopes of getting paid out, but considering that 40% of his players are projected for 0 points in our match-up this week, I would count it as a personal favor to me if nobody traded with him this week.
The “Scrooge McDuck” Award: The Pain Train/ Fredo Maisel
Second only to Bad Journeys/Smeet in total draft dollars ($370 to Smeet’s $400), Fredo apparently has lost sight of the goal of playing fantasy football. It appears as he’s decided to play his own game, a game where whoever has the most draft dollars at the end of the season wins the championship. The bad news? This game doesn't actually exist. The good news? Toby will have a championship belt for it, before he gets the one for our league.
I know he almost never reads the columns, so nobody tell Fredo that the draft dollars aren’t real money and he doesn’t get to keep them at the end of the year. But, Sausage King, you say, why Fredo and and not Smeet for this award? Because unlike Pain Train, Smeet’s Bad Journeys still has viable assets like Mack, Boyd and Doyle to still be a contender for the Loser’s Bracket and save as possible future keepers. Fredo? He’s busy counting Monopoly money on his mission to assemble the world's largest collection of Flex players. Honestly, you know you have a serious problem if you're constantly pinning your hopes on Sterling Shepard and Chris Hogan to win your games week after week. I haven't seen this much single digit scoring since I accidentally walked into that proctologist training seminar.
In all seriousness, Fredo, thanks for stopping by this weekend. Mrs. Sausage and I both agreed, it was great seeing you and getting a chance to hang. It was definitely long overdue. You are one of my oldest and dearest friends, and someday your wardrobe will reflect that.
Some other quick awards in no particular order:
Best Keeper: Alvin Kamara for $12 - LKA!
Worst Keeper: Le’Veon Bell for $92 - Vienna Sausages
Best Free Agent Pickup: James Conner for $126- Vienna Sausages
Worst Free Agent Pickup: Peyton Barber for $109 - The Commish
Best Column: The Moon Landing Mailbag - Smeet
Worst Column: All of the Power Rankings - The Commish
Best New Running Joke: The Commish and Bob Villa. And it’s not close.
Catch ya next week, Ramblers!
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