LOOK AT US! WE OFFICIALLY HAVE A NAME! In no particular order, the top 3 worst suggestions for the column name are as follows:
· Bathroom Time with the Sausage
· ½ of Crap Sandwich
· Facts From Our Fantastically Facetious Filipino
Even worse than those suggestions, the last one was pitched by #Smeet at one of our team meetings, where he added:
If that doesn’t tell you the level of effort we, as the staff here at #GRMFFA, are prepared to give you in the name of fantasy football entertainment, I’m not sure what will. So, I’d like to take this moment, and hereby pledge, with a sound mind and a solemn heart, to give you, my loyal readers, 3 minutes (AT LEAST!) of my precious time exclusively devoted to entertaining you. Ask around, I think you’ll find that I do not take my obligations of 3 minute entertainment lightly. YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK!
In other news, you may or may not (probably not) have known that Monday night was the Emmy’s. And since I squandered my first 2 and a half minutes of “writing time”, daydreaming about what a chair would look like if our knees were on the back of our legs, guess what? That’s right! WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THE EMMY’S!!!
THE BIG WINNER: "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"
Apparently, this show won and won in a big way, taking home 5 awards, including best comedy series. Mrs. Sausage loves the show and like all good husbands, I’ve bided my time with it on the screen and what I can say is that the show as a virtual unknown, it’s mildly refreshing to see succeed, but in general, would be the death knell of any decent convo in any groupchat (Commissioner's Note: Ummm... I had to endure 60 messages about "Jack Ryan" and the chat didn't die last night, so maybe there's hope?).
How obvious was it that this was all an elaborate setup for Fredo/Pain Train? I know what you’re thinking. Anytime you can draw parallels between a show that Wikipedia describes as “an American period comedy-drama television series that follows a housewife in 1958 New York City who discovers she has a knack for stand-up comedy”, fantasy football and the weakest Corleone brother, you’re just picking low hanging fruit.
But seriously, Fredo has successfully left the cellar he was hiding in last season, stringing together 2 victories in a row, the most recent being a convincing 37 point victory over the Commish. But despite his recent successes on the fantasy field, Fredo has been struggling where it really counts, namely, the league groupchat. Out of the 12 participants in the chat, Fredo actively struggles providing any useful insight, humorous or otherwise, or engagement in the social media portion of our league. If anything, he seems to have a knack for “killing” the groupchat, inspiring double digit minute long silences in a chat that’s been known to accumulate over “276 unread messages on Whatsapp. Jesus, what do you all day” levels of content. In fact, Fredo is very self-aware of his Knoblauch-esque fall from groupchat grace, sidechatting folks with his concern:
***Update***
Similarly to the Commish’s Power Rankings, my assessment of Fredo was irrelevant seemingly as soon as I typed it. Apparently, he’s inspired a new storyline where he pisses the Commish off about either 1) complaining about not getting enough coverage in the posts, or 2) about the lack of respect being shown to his team’s recent reign of terror. I, for one, am loving this new development and am hopeful for what Fredo Maisel might be bringing to the table as the season develops.
THE “NO DUH” WINNER: “GAME OF THRONES”
To the surprise of absolutely no one, GOT made a strong showing with the biggest haul of 9 awards, including best drama series. I was not aware, but last year it lost to “The Handmaid’s Tale” but came back strong with a big win this week. For me, this momentary downturn with triumphant resurrection could only be Stabs/Goddamn Snack. Coming off a tough lose to newcomer to winning, Team Motley, Stabs came back with a vengeance in Week 2, scoring a league-high 182.4 fantasy points. In fact, despite his 1-1 record, Stabs leads the league in points for and is the only team with over 300 points after two weeks. I have been having panic attacks just thinking about my Week 3 match up, where I will feebly try to handle Stab’s biggest dragon (errr, Todd Gurley).
THE SNUBS: “THE HANDMAID’S TALE” & “ATLANTA”
Two highly lauded shows coming into awards season both failed to take home any prizes on Monday night. Without a doubt, the league’s 2 resident disappointments are the Unicorn/Stockholm Syndrome and Tito Galen/Big Gronkowski’s. I would write more, but this column is already getting kind of long and I don’t have time to waste on teams that are 0-2.
THE PROPOSAL!:
Speaking of The Unicorn/Stockholm Syndrome, you may remember a certain joke I made about him from last week’s column (Commissioner's Note: I remember you labeling him as a sex tourist.), a joke that may have made unfair assumptions about his well-documented passion for travel. Well, the joke had taken a life of its own and possibly had gotten alil out of hand (Commissioner's Note: Not accurate.). Recently, there’s been no love lost between the Vienna Sausages and Stockholm Syndrome. So just like the guy who used his time accepting an award at the podium to propose to his girlfriend, I, too, am inspired to make a spectacle of our sweet, sweet love.
Unicorn, are you reading this? This is my peace offering. There’s nothing I want more, than for you to please accept this olive branch that I extend out to you.
Did you accept? I hope so. Because I am really tired of hearing about how you’re going to quit the groupchat everyday. That and I already bet the Commish half my remaining FAAB that we could make Smeet be the first one to quit Whatsapp.
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