The Sausage King's Riff Raff Ramblings column noted you and the commish labeled him a top 3 villain in the league - he seems nice….what makes him such a villain in your estimation?
- The Commissioner, Washington, DC
A: This is a surprising question because, as someone who has known SK for as long as you have, you should know the answer. SK is a Grade A villain because when it comes to trash talk he holds no prisoners, he shoots to kill. In fantasy football, especially when there is a WhatsApp group chat for everyone except FIL, there is almost daily shit talk and it’s exciting. SK is like a Great White shark lurking below the waters waiting for the slightest drop of blood showing weakness and next thing we know it’s Shark Week and someone is bleeding out, usually me.
To put another way sometimes I feel brave enough to enter the water and almost IMMEDIATELY I regret it. Without the safety of a cage, I am a seal with broken flippers. I might get a good poke in with my nose but he’s coming with razor sharp teeth ready to tear you apart. The only time I have seen him hold back is on Carlos, which says something about Carlos…or his parents' ability to intimidate even an Apex Predator. Which leads us too…
With Carlos' parents becoming involved in his defense, what would your reaction be if your mom and dad pleaded with the league to stop picking on you?
- The Universe
A: Based on the flack I got for when my mother tried to nourish me with Mac and Cheese so I wouldn’t go hungry, I would distance myself from the situation post haste. I cannot fathom how catastrophic the situation would but as an adult I know it would be bad but maybe not as bad as being a teenager, or at least as small as prepubescent one.
Anecdote time. I believe when I was an 8th grade, maybe 9th, my father wrote the baseball section of the local town newspaper recapping little league games. My father also happened to be my coach. Quick notes, 1) Other coaches were supposed to fill out a form and submit to my pops to provide game notes and highlights so he could write about them, he couldn’t attend every game, he had an awesome son to hangout with…or a shit ton of work. 2) Not all the coaches did this 3) My dad OF COURSE did this for his games and it just so happened I was the best player on my team (Commissioner's Note: Fake news) so I generally made the paper with tag lines like “Smeet went 5-5 with 2 Doubles, 5 stolen bases, and 4 RBI’s” or something like that. I mean, I was pretty good for a little leaguer. This generally didn’t cause a fuss because stats are stats except FOR ONE TIME MY DAD MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE FOR HIS TEENAGER SON! (One more quick note, the dimensions of our Senior Field (major league dimensions) were insane. Left field was like 400 feet.) Anyway, I hit a long fly ball to left field and it was caught right at the fence. Too bad so sad for me but great play by the defender, none other than one of my best friends. The mistake was my dad put this in the paper: “In the bottom of the 3rd, Smeet HIT A SHOT to left that went right to the fence but Varian made a great catch robbing him of an extra base hit.” Slight paraphrase as I tried to erase this from my brain but “HIT A SHOT” in all caps was definitely in there. In school the next day, you would think I was accused of setting of the chain events banning donuts, Oreos, Ice Cream, and Cake from the world. I got so much shit for being the son of a biased “news reporter." “Why else would you hitting a flyball out ever need to be published…” blah blah.
The point was Varian made a great catch, sure my dad could have made it “And a kid hit a ball deep to left and Varian made a great catch,” but he called me out by name. I yelled at my dad for months to stop writing in the paper because he ruined my life (Commissioner's Note: No, you ruined your life), typical teen emo shit. Thinking back, FUCK THOSE kids. My dad is the man and I am lucky he cared enough to take on the job of coaching, writing the articles, and being proud of me.
The length of this response is even putting me to sleep but it has changed my stance on the whole thing. Carlos, you’re parents are awesome as hell. The fact that they would partake in our shenanigans is dope AF. I am sure we will all still pick on you but it’s because we love you, and you’re shorter than I was in 4th grade.
It's cold and snowing outside. Nobodys home. You've spent an appropriate amount of time laying on the couch and watching tv. What do you want to eat?
- Mrs. Smeet
A: First off, babe, I was not spending any time laying on the couch watching TV. I was busy doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, working on homework, and researching fun activities to do as a family, while reading the bible….
But seriously…I have been battling mono and have been spending a crazy amount of time sleeping on the couch while my all-star wife takes care of our daughter, who has a double-ear infection for the second time in four weeks while still working till like midnight every day.
So thanks babe, you’re a rock star and I am lucky to have you. Just wish my boss here at GMRRFFA had any sympathy and let me miss deadlines like he seemingly does without any recourse…
Sappiness over, back to being fat and lazy.
I think for me the perfect at home snack on a day like that is a Steak-umm sandwich with lots of cheese on a fresh roll with the perfect proportion of ketchup on it. Maybe throw some crinkle cut fries in the oven to bake with some seasoning….now I am hungry.
What was your favorite summer job?
- The Sausage King
A: You know this one buddy! It counts as a summer job because it was in the summer and only lasted the summer but it was my first job out of college. I had a classmate I was close with who was a Manager for Viking Pest Control and as graduation neared I had no job lined up. He totally hooked me up with the Manager of the closest office from my town to get me a job as a Pest Control Technician. This was an awesome job that would have been way more awesome if GPS existed back then, GET OFF MY LAWN KIDS!
Anyway, this job was awesome because I was servicing areas that were close by including my own town. I sometimes dropped door tags on friends' houses with notes even though I didn’t do anything to their house. And I was home relatively early in the evening and got to hangout with the SK all the time, which was awesome as hell and goes down as one of my best summers of all time. We played video games, basketball, and worked on cars. Amazing summer. The job was actually fun for me because I got to dig holes, do some manly stuff in front of some hot MILFs, and a lot of house calls seemed like the opening scene of a porno to me (LOL). I wore pretty well-fitted Blue Dickies Pants with a Red Polo, add in the clipboard and I was a dreamboat. It honestly seemed like some homeowners were lonely and talked to me about stuff I had no need to know but I am a talker so it worked out fine and I got good tips!
Though there was one day that SUCKED so hard, but it was rite of passage of sorts. It was pouring rain all day and I was soaked, traffic was bad, and it was just a miserable day. As I was contemplating what I was going to do with my life, I got a call about being offered a job in Manhattan as a consultant which put me on the path of where I am now 15 years later.
Accounting for his mutant healing factor, what's your strategy for taking Wolverine out?
- Stan Lee #RIP
A: I hate to use the C word, cause reasons, but the dude would need cancer ala Deadpool. Plus, with the healing factor, it’s possible one could develop a C word that would actually be so aggressive it would be out of control. It may not kill him but would severely reduce his ability to fight and maybe even lock him up as a bloated mass of cells.
Why do you drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
- Austin, NJ
A: This is actually answerable. The words “drive” and “park” existed long before automobiles. “Parking” meant planting trees and flowers. As automobiles came to exist, people feared not having breathable air so they built parks to essentially help filter the air. Eventually, roads were built through these parks and hence they became parkways.
And driveways are the term for connecting ones private property to the public road and back in the day these driveways were LONG hence you drove on them to get to the road, they were essentially your road to connect you to a road. Nowadays, driveways are small things that fit like 2 cars and you don’t drive on them which leads people to think the term is stupid.
Thoughts on Flat Earthers?
- Allison, Vienna, VA
A: Oh man. First we dealt with the moon landing and next we dealth with climate change, and now we have finally reached the lowest of lows, Flat Earthers. In case we have any new readers, I used to think it was possible we never landed on the Moon, I now believe it to be TRUE unequivocally that we DID INDEED LAND ON THE MOON. Also, climate change is very real and if you don’t think so…well I hope you discover the truth soon because we need allies here and you’re just making a mess and are probably an ant-vaxxer which will bring back all the nasty diseases we eradicated through SCIENCE and we are all probably gonna die anyway before we can screw up this place any more. Sheesh, that was dark.
Alright to Flat Earthers…YOU ALL STUPID ASS MOTHERF*CKERS! In 6 BC, Pythagoras determined to the Earth was round and since then tech has evolved so much we can actually SEE IT BEING ROUND FROM OUTER SPACE. But NOOOOO you think NASA, Astronauts, amateur astronomers, and anyone else with a full use of the lobes of their brain is in on a conspiracy to mask the fact that Earth is actually a flat disc. If you seriously believe this, I have one question for you. What is the motivation to pull off this sham? People are motivated by money and power. What on God’s Flat Earth do people have to gain by “lying” about the shape of it? Seriously? What is the master plan? Why are you missing so many teeth? Have you ever eaten an apple? Have you ever seen a FLAT APPLE? I firmly believe Flat Earthers are just a club of every person you have ever had in a class that argues the most obvious thing because they just want to be different, a douche, and to hear themselves talk. At some point in your life I guarantee you all have dealt with one of these types.
And the logic to where the edge of the Earth is if it is flat is insane. Are we in the Truman Show? Do you just sail into a hard sky? If you open the door we all get sucked out!
I am losing too many brain cells over this. If you think the Earth is Flat please make like a Lemming and walk off the edge. Thanks.
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