Owners, Co-Owners, Media and Riff Raff fans around the world,
On the cusp of Riff Raff Bowl III and during this eventful Riff Raff Bowl media week, I would like to take this opportunity to offer all of you the inaugural State of the State of the Gas Masks & Riff Raff Fantasy Football Alliance. Unlike some football commissioners, I will not sugarcoat the fact that GMRRFFA remains on the precipice of greatness – unlike some leagues, our community sees a bright future built on a solid foundation of owner support and engagement, and league leadership unparalleled in the fantasy football world.
Before we look to the future, we must certainly look to the past season, and while I can assure you much greater detail will be paid to the 2018 season in the coming weeks, including the second annual Kamara Williams Award ceremony and revisiting both pre-season hot takes and Riff Raff Bowl III, the third iteration of GMRRFFA is nothing short of groundbreaking.
This success is only possible thanks to you the owners, which have seen a great deal of stability in the last two years, including zero percent attrition rate since our inaugural 2016 season, all dues continually paid on time two years in a row and zero unintentional week-to-week starting roster empty slots. Let me repeat that – in 2018, with exception to late breaking injury updates, not one owner mistakenly left an open roster spot due to lazy personnel management. In my research, just .07% of all fantasy leagues in the country can make that claim, and GMRRFFA remains a leader in accountable and responsible owners.
To that end, we saw a furious amount of activity throughout the pre-season and in to the season. As noted previously, the league witnessed fifty-three trades throughout the course of the season, including $109 tax dollars collected for the League’s inaugural Losers Bracket 6 tournament. Meanwhile, owners also processed more than 350 free agent acquisitions on the waiver wire and, collectively, only $395 free agent dollars remain available, 61% of which stands in one owner’s coffers, who mistakenly views FA dollars like carry over vacation time in to the following year.
All of this made certain of a competitive 2018 season among the 14 flagship franchises in the league, where a total of six games separated the very best and Smeet. The competitive nature of the league was obvious every week, with four teams topping the weekly power rankings over the course of the season although Smeet dominated the #14 spot throughout the season, capturing the bottom spot 11 out of 13 times. Let it be clear: GMRRFFA is the Fantasy Football league, and the competition on the field is second to none.
Beyond that, GMRRFFA utilized quasi-well-thought out strategies to enhance the overall experience of fantasy football, including the much-maligned (by spouses, at least) Boys Chat . On average, the chat received 4,312 messages per day, including 4.9% specific to fantasy football and 93% owner participation in the chat (thanks for nothing FIL). Let me assure you; no other league can boast such figures. More importantly, the Boys Chat tackled many hard hitting issues defining our American society, including the best MCU movie ever, domestic violence, fluttering infatuations and romances among owners, the harboring of a 24 year grudge about lunch room seating, MFK Zach Morris’ girlfriends, and the most controversial issue of our time, Stuffed Shells vs Baked Ziti.
Boys Chat wasn’t the only content; in fact, via the riffrafffootball.com website platform, I’m proud to state that the GMRRFFA staff provided 69(!!!! Jesus don’t tell Mrs. Riff Raff this) articles on the league, beginning in April. For those curious, that’s 243,124 words (and counting) on the league. This is in large part thanks to my employer’s internet bandwidth, the Jr. Riff Raff staying up at all hours of the night, and a collection of uniquely-talented content providers/interns.
The Smeet Mailbag is ground-breaking… in his efforts, Smeet tackled flat-earthers, his own survival toolkit, which owners would survive a homicidal maniac, which owners he’d MFK, global warming (because someone has to #Unicorn), and other deeply-disturbing issues. Meanwhile, we were proud to provide a column to the Sausage King, who essentially spent every week this fall showcasing how fantastic his life is – including trips to Puerto Rico and New Orleans, plus his narcissistic take on a championship run this season. Lost in the deluge of content, how could we ever forget Mark Hutchinson’s special feature on a failed four-way trade? And, finally, my proudest moment, when my vision provided the scorned spouses of Riff Raff owners the opportunity to share their concerned voices with the league. Throughout the 69 articles, we even discussed expert fantasy football takes 32.9% of the time.
Thanks to my employer providing more bandwidth on my computer and accessing Smeet’s YouTube page, we advanced video and picture content, so now we can never forget Tito Galen’s boasts…
Or how Grandma Riff Raff has strong feelings…
Or Mark Hutchinson’s unique parenting style…
Meanwhile, GMRRFFA recognized the value of sharing what fantasy football could be for the masses, and we brought this to a world-wide audience via the website and Twitter handle. The website has seen 17 visitors per week, 3 of which are in the Phillipines, making us a global conglomerate. The Twitter handle fluctuates between 695 and 697 followers, dependent on whether @The_Cream99 blocks me or if the @TheCommissionerofFate re-follows me every week (I see you!).
And we’ve all made new friends. From his well-earned efforts, Smeet has a fan club; the Commissioner’s Office made it to a podcast and has been dubbed a “non-expert” from his friends.
We are nothing short of a growing community of what fantasy football should be and with that, I see a bright future ahead for this league, unlike others…
Moving forward, we will embrace Riff Raff Bowl III like the Joe Namath-esque event of our time and will use that momentum to further our content mission of 10% fantasy football/90% bull shitting.
In the coming months, you will continue to receive content – more 2018 analysis, more Smeet, more Global Warming, maybe even some Fredo Maisel if he gets his shit together. The website will be revamped, we will (not) host podcasts – seriously, no one cares – and the Tweeting will continue to address the social injustices that plague fantasy football.
Next month, I will also offer up ground-breaking rule changes provided by the owners, for the owners, to move GMRRFFA in to 2019 like the juggernaut that it is. I will also aggressively ensure our attrition rate remains at 0% (looking at you Makese, where you been???). More critically, I will guarantee the Riff Raff Bowl III winner receive the championship belt Toby Kobach failed to deliver.
This weekend, let us enjoy the culmination of two semi-even opponents in a championship, a consolation match-up among family, and the conclusion of the oft-ridiculed LB6, but know our work is just beginning. The State of Riff Raff Football is strong, but I encourage everyone to know, one year from today, we will be in an even better place.
Your Commissioner has a vision, and I’m fully invested in bringing you to the promised land. I have my plaque, now I need my self-respect.
Thank you for joining us today – my press team will stay to answer any questions you may have. Good luck to the six teams vying for something this weekend. God bless Riff Raff Football and God bless America.
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