What better way than to witness the return of #GMRRFFA tonight than a follow up to the surprise hit of the league, the second edition of "From the Desk of Smeet?" Jump in and enjoy the most bizarrely answered responses to the questions beguiling our world today...
How should we remember Victor Cruz?
As a great receiver who sparked many good seasons for the G-Men. That preseason game in 2010 when he torched the Jets was amazing. For an undrafted free agent, he was unexpected lightning in a bottle. His salsa dancing in honor of his grandma was heart warming and welcomed during a time of over the top celebrations. I will always remember the day he tore is knee up against the effing Eagles. It happened while we were celebrating a certain player in our fantasy leagues wedding. So I will remember him as a Pro-Bowl caliber Giant who had his career cut terribly short and will forever blame the Eagles for it. I HATE THE EAGLES! Oh yeah Victor Cruz is awesome, remember the quickness, the big games, the energy, his Jersey roots, and his salsa dancing for his grandma.
My coworker tried to have a conversation with me while they were flossing? What should I have done?
This is easy, if this ever happens again, you should hopefully have a perfect booger wedged way up your nose. In direct line of sight you should dig for that sucker like you are expecting to pull out a gold nugget. After successfully retrieving this mass of snot, you should proudly display it on your finger tip while looking at from all angles. Once you are finished admiring the art your body has created you have 2 choices. Flick that sucker, but not in the trash, just flick it anywhere, because I mean this guy has plaque and gingivitis spraying everywhere, plus remnants of the shitty Cobb salad he probably had for lunch. (Were you working with Silvio?) Or with gusto put that scrumptious gummy bear of phlegm in your mouth and eat it.
What the heck is wrong with people? I bet this guy tries to talk to you through the stalls in the bathroom when you are trying to poop in peace or doing other things, see last question in the column).
What do you think about the NFL's helmet rule?
I think this rule is tough. Because on the surface this is the NFL seemingly caring about player safety, because they are finally admitting in their own way that CTE is real, concussion damage is real, and getting your head knocked off is actually bad for you. Unless you are the headless horseman and that is just bad ass.
That being said, how the hell are you supposed to tackle without your head leading the way. That’s like trying to have sex but not leading with your dick. I just don’t see how it will work. These guys are insanely athletic and plays are developing in front of them in fractions of a second. Trying to contort your body to tackle in a non-illegal way is going to lead to more soft tissue injuries and missed tackles in my opinion. So expect a lot of penalties while players and refs adjust to this. I already forgot what I was talking about, that was a catch right? He had the ball and his knee hit the ground AND he crossed the plane, it was a CATCH! THE PATS LOSE! Seriously rules committee and the NFL, get your shit together.
Have you seen Crazy Rich Asians yet? Thoughts?
I have not, and by reading the plot I am not exactly sure why it’s doing so well. Is this a niche Asian thing that is hilarious to those in the Asian culture because this happens all the time? I am confused. I thought it was going to be the Hangover but with only a cast full of Ken Jeongs. I am disappointed.
Who's going to come in last in the NFC East?
I think it’s going to be the Eagles. Not just because I hate them but I suspect a let down year after the improbable super bowl win. Seriously we can’t use the “Date an Eagles fan cause you know she ain’t expecting a ring” jokes anymore. Between the Cruz question and this I need to calm down for a minute.
Ok so Foles isn’t THAT good and they might lose each game he starts. Jeffery is banged up, I am not sold on Ajayi , and well I don’t like the Eagles. BAM THE EAGLES ARE IN LAST PLACE!
What do you expect from the Adrian Peterson signing?
What I HOPE to see from the AP signing is him to actually be a force like when he was in his prime. Granted I hope he stinks against the Giants but for some reason I want to see him dominate again. As long as he performs I think he will stay the lead back and he might even be a 3 down back if the rest of the RBs cant’ stay healthy. I know this is exciting news for team Dorne Diredonkeys who after swindling me for Baldwin ended up with OBJ is looking solid for a playoff push of his own. Jerk.
What percent chance does Russell Wilson have of repeating as QB #1 in scoring?
I think it’s like 10%.I am not sold on the offensive line, the RBs, Baldwin is aging and ailing, and well it’s hard to repeat that under these circumstances. I almost forgot they don’t have Jimmy “All I do is Catch Touchdowns” Graham anymore either. I think he will be a top 10 QB just because they might be playing catch-up a lot with an almost all new defense as well. Which is why I am ok getting rid of Baldwin, who I didn’t want in the first place. Stupid playing games in an auction draft trying to bid him up…
Why was my grandfather so distant?
This is deep. Is it because he lived far away? You were a terrible grandson? I need more info. If you need a hug, it’s almost Christmas and you can find Santa at your closest mall in 2 months. You’re welcome.
Simone Biles swept all 5 titles at the National Championships. Any athlete currently more dominant in their sport?
Considering this feat has only ever happened 2 times before and last occurred 24 years ago I say she is. Combined with her Olympic success against the best in the world as well, let’s just say yup currently the most dominant. Not much left to say here other than the superstars who won’t read this might be upset about what they aren’t reading.
I also have this vision of me saying she isn’t the most dominant and having her Chun-Licopter out of nowhere and beat me up like I was the car in the bonus stage.
Baked Ziti vs Stuffed Shells...?
GREAT QUESTION and the answer is easy. Stuffed Shells knocks the shit out of Baked Ziti.
First let’s talk the pasta. My biggest gripe with Baked Ziti is that almost 99% of the time I end up with a piece that has hard as a rock, not even close to el dente, noodles that want to break my teeth. I prefer a nice gathering of consistently cooked noodles. I will say maybe that I just have had poor chefs but even hardcore Italian mothers have made Ziti that has had this problem. Maybe real Italians like this? I definitely do not.
Next let’s talk cheese. I love cheese. More than I love the sauce or the noodle. Pasta is just a friendly and yummy vehicle to get deliciously amazing cheese into my mouth. Given that a stuffed shell is stuffed with cheese, well it’s kind of hard to mess that up. It has ONE job, be filled with cheese. That’s it. Baked Ziti can have pockets of no cheese, barely cheese, and if you’re luck some cheese. But the nature of the dish is that there will always be more pasta to cheese ratio and I can’t have that.
So stuffed shells win. In a landslide of cheese into my belly.
Super Bowl prediction?
I think I have to pick a team that will hurt me to say. From the NFC I think it’s going to be the Bears (Commissioner's Note: This). With actual offensive weapons, and with my fantasy football dreams hoping that Trubitsky will be a great QB, plus with the defense adding MACK, I think it’s not crazy to say. From the AFC, I want to say the Browns because how amazing would that be but realistically they are not their yet but it is awesome how this off-season it seems like they washed some of their stink off. I am excited to see how they do. Getting serious I believe the AFC will be the Texans. Their defense should be vastly improved if JJ Watt stays healthy and is his impactful self. Deshaun Watson with DeAndre Hopkins will be sick, plus with Watson, Will Fuller V was actually a top 5 WR last year. I say watch out for the Texans. Now who wins the SB…I say the Bears. Did I just scare you commissioner Mc. Gmrrffa (phonetically Mick Gum-er-fa) (Commissioner's Note: Please don't get me hopes up.)?
Eminem vs Machine Gun Kelly?
Well I am old, I like Slim so I am on his side. These kids need to get off our lawns. Eminem is a great rap battler, I saw 8 Mile! I like some of MGK’s stuff but he is not in the same league as Em in my opinion. As an alternative rock and metal guy it’s hard for me to add any more on the topic. Imagine me trying to debate who was better Tupac or Biggie? And with that I am now listening to Eminem for the rest of this mailbag.
How handsome is Jimmy Garoppolo? 1-10?
I love easy questions. He’s a good looking dude. Solid 9. I like red meat.
P.S. Brady and Him on the same team, were they the most attractive QB combo in league history? Any readers want to comment?
If you could have dinner with 5 ppl dead or alive, who would you pick?
This is a seriously tough question.
Not wanting to over think this because there is something cool about thousands of people in history PLUS there is family you never met, those who came to America, those who predate even those ancestors. How amazing would it be to have dinner with your great, great, great grandparents? That being said I would love to have dinner with the following non family members, unless you count Jesus cause he’s my family, right Jesus?
1) George Washington, I mean founding father, leader of our war efforts to win the American Revolutionary war, a character in Hamilton!
2) Leonidas I, this guy is a bad ass, have you seen 300? Seriously though it would be awesome to have dinner with this guy and hear stories he could tell. Wait do I need to add a translator to this list? Can google translate ancient Greek? I will assume he can speak English in this obviously possible scenario.
3) Neil Degrasse Tyson. Super smart, funny, and seemingly chill guy. I’d love to become his friend, and well dinner is a start right?
4) Cleopatra, how did she die? What would she do differently? I don’t have much else to go on, but it’s Cleopatra! She’s kind of a big deal and it would be cool tell my daughter about having dinner with a female leader from a really long time ago.
5) And of course the big guy, Jesus. I don’t think this requires any reasons. As a Christian, it would be amazing to speak with this guy, or would it be terrifying?
How much is too much to bid on James Connor?
At this stage, pay the man as much as it takes to get him because if you have Bell, you don’t REALLY have Bell. He could holdout till week 10 which is way too late. He is worth as much as anyone is willing to pay. Or in our leagues case 71 dollars more than the 2nd place bid…but you got your guy right?
How will the Avengers beat Thanos?
Do they really need to beat Thanos? I mean yeah the guy is nuts and he turned a lot of their friends and family to dust but he did with a sound intention and defeating him won’t bring their friends back. Plus it looks like the friends will miraculously come back anyway because they have films coming that need to make money. So if they come back to life or not, what is the motivation? Revenge? That doesn’t sound like the Avengers style. Is Thanos an active threat? His gauntlet is kaboomed and he is just chilling and mourning the death of his adopted daughter. Leave the guy alone. It’s weird defending a “villain.” But I guess I have a lot of practice with our commissioner (Commissioner's Note: This is true - you're my greatest apologist).
What's your favorite Disney movie and why?
Another easy question. Moana, the movie is just awesome, the songs, the visuals, the plot, the ROCK! But more personally this is the movie my wife and I watched right before our wonderful daughter came into this world. It will always be remembered as the movie my daughter heard right before she was born. Can’t wait to watch with her when she gets older. End sappy response. Where’d all the dust come from?
Who will be the most impactful rookie RB, excluding Barkley?
For me it’s Shaquem Griffin. He may not have the best stats but for an impact he has to be #1. The guy is starting this week. In the NFL. For the Seahawks. At Linebacker. He is missing his left hand. He probably won’t start the whole season but what an inspiration. I think his impact will be felt more than on the field. (Commissioner's Note: Great question from the reader, who asked best rookie RB, and a delusional Smeet answered with a LB... love this guy)
Should I put on all my Nike apparel on and set it on fire?
Did you find bed bugs in it? Spiders? Our commissioner? Then yes you should burn your Nike apparel. But if you are asking if you should burn in light of the recent ad campaign then no. While it is kind of gross that Nike is using this platform conveniently right before the NFL season starts to get a ton of AIR time (pun intended? You bet your ass) the message is a good one and I support it.
On this topic, it is absolutely insane that Kaep and Eric Reid are still without jobs in the NFL. Kaep is at least better than 5 starting QBs and better than most backups. Maybe he wants too much money? I don’t know but it smells like collusion to me (Ruxin voice). Reid is younger and definitely a great safety who could probably be a starter on most teams. I hope the NFL gets clobbered in court but they probably won’t sadly.
Is it ok to masturbate at work?
I am concerned that this is a question…because I never thought it wasn’t ok. It’s why we have stalls, doors, HD screens, 4G/WiFi, Unlimited Data, and headphones or stupid airpods. So yeah I think if the need arises Just Do It (in the bathroom, quietly please). Maybe the world would be a better place if everyone just had a few more orgasms in their lives. Afternoon drink? Nap? Orgasm? Orgasm AND a Nap, how unstoppable would you be that afternoon. This deserves a case study.
And I you think I am crazy, there is actually legal precedent. A Brazilian woman who was battling anxiety could only relieve it by masturbating, sometimes up to 47 times a day! She went to court and the judge ruled that she be allowed to not only masturbate at work but to watch porn on her computer!
I know you are reading this in the bathroom, what are you waiting for? You deserve to be happy.
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