Welcome back to the most interesting mailbag you're getting on #GMRRFFA, where our boy #Smeet tackles the hard pressing issues facing the league and society as a whole.
Question: What's the meaning behind "Hazexban"? I've always wondered.
- The Unicorn, San Francisco
Answer: This is a question I used to get a lot but haven’t had to field in a long while so thanks for bringing it up! Back when I had even less friends than I do now, I used to be an even bigger computer nerd and made “friends” on something called mIRC (Internet Relay Chat). When I was about 12 I was into I guess you could say "hacking, phreaking, and dumpster diving." I listened to “Off the Hook” on the regular and was a huge Kevin Mitnick fan. So that hopefully paints a picture for you. (Commissioner's Note: It does.)
Back to the whole hazexban thing. My ORIGINAL handle online was different, but it had to be cool cause I was haxor right. So the original name was PuRpLeHaZe which is an obvious a reference to Jimi and weed because nothing is cooler than being a hacker that smokes (note: I was pretty straight-edged actually). So, now we got the original name down. Next we have get to where this name transformed and has stuck for the rest of my digital life.
There was a very popular channel on this one mIRC server for general mayhem in the internet and it was my favorite place. For a long time, I paid my dues, provided “info” from dumpster dives, tips, etc and was generally a top member. Eventually this prompted a mod to make me a mod! This was a huge deal as being a mod gave you powers to mess with regular plebeians, like kick them, ban them, do funny things in the chat that others couldn’t and I mean you were special and your name was at the top of the user list, BOLD AND A DIFFERENT COLOR!
But what did I do in typical young teen fashion? Abused the shit out of said powers. And if you know me, I get pretty sensitive sometimes…ok all the time and I really was an ass. So I, a mod, was banned. BANNED! I was crushed. The ban lasted 6 months. Which was the worst but whatever. Long story short (Commissioner's Note: This story is by no means short) the ban expired and I rejoined. I don’t really know why I did it but when I got back into the chat, I changed my name, which everyone on-line at the time sees happen as a notification, from the aforementioned name to hazEXban, like ex-wife, ex-bf etc, I was EX-banned. So I became HazEXban, or now hazexban. I kept it because no one should EVER have an inkling to use it so it will be a Smeet original forever!
Q: Okay, I gotta ask, whats with the sticks up the nose?
- Angie, Atlanta
A: What? I think the REAL question should be, “Why does the commissioner hate me so much he had to use THAT picture of me for the site?” But as a resident and self-proclaimed weirdo, I guess it is fitting. Whether it’s because I was the youngest of 2 children, or had not too many friends, or was picked on mercilessly by people like the Sausage King of Vienna back in 1st grade because I had pencils with my sisters name on them? Money was tight dude, we had to SHARE and my sister got all the good stuff and I got hand-me-downs from a girl, IT WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! *deep breaths*. Anyway I think I just like to be funny and get a laugh or 2 or 3 at my own expense. Many of my stories should probably be kept quiet for the embarrassment they may cause but I let em’ rip like the Commish does in the elevator (Commissioner's Note: It wasn't me!) to elevate the lives of those around me.
So the coffee stirrers up my nose…I honestly don’t recall WHY I did it. I was bored probably at my old job, had access to thousands of these things and maybe wanted to take my first selfie (That’s how you do it right, selfies mean wood in your nose?) Or more likely, I decided I wanted to be a walrus? Or even more likely I wanted to see how many I could fit up there? I am the type of a guy who, at their engagement party, puts 22 pieces of Double Bubble in their mouth and excitedly takes the giant wad out and showcases it to guests in excitement, including my future in-laws. They are so proud of their daughter, I’m a CATCH.
Q: Which professional wrestler does the Smeet persona most closely equate to?
- The Commissioner, Washington, DC
A: As a FORMER avid fan my sampling of choices is definitely dated but I would have to say Mankind. Not the original persona of trying to be creepy with Kane, but the funny one who used a sock puppet. The dude kicked ass, was a solid wrestler, but never took himself too seriously, which is pretty much exactly how Smeet and, well, I live everyday. Who wants to me put together ALL THE TIME. I have no one to impress, except my daughter, these days, and though I will be the best role model I can be for her, I hope to let her stay silly while being smart, successful, and well-rounded, like her awesome da da.
Q: Jorts? Yes or hell yes?
- Mark (aka My Best Friend I Never Met), Dorne
A: There needs to be one key distinction made here. Jorts on Men or Women? Now, I don’t want to be all Kavanaughy or anything but if it’s for some women? Sure thing. I mean who doesn’t like some tight denim on a lady? But I NEVER want to see Jorts on say Fredo or The Crocs Man, or any man for that matter.
While on the topic really quick, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE JEANS BEING SOLD WITH GIANT HOLES IN THEM? Seriously, I see girls walking down the street with like the waist of jeans, some pockets, then all leg, with tiny strains of thread hanging on for dear life like they are trying to climb out of the underground prison in the Dark Knight Rises. Those things probably cost like over 100 dollars because some “designer” intricately placed them. Please you just tore them up willy nilly. So stupid. Probably worse than Crocs.
Q: Why is the Commissioner's middle finger emoji black, while his other hand emoji’s are white?
- Toby, Alaska
A: I don’t know. Maybe the Commissioner will make an editor’s note insert here (Commissioner's Note: See below) to explain himself? The guy is running the biggest, baddest, coolest, content flooded, entertaining Fantasy League known to man. You see how many typos he makes on his tweets? He’s obviously strung out trying to deal with the likes of us, keeping Mrs. Riff Raff happy, taking care of his awesome boys, and pretending to look like he is super busy at work while somehow maintaining his Hulk-like calves. So naturally he might not have the time to audit his color choice in emojis. If he had some help running the show it might alleviate some of the pressures and he could be more progressive in his emoji colors. So Assistant to the Commissioner, get your shit together, start doing something, like you know getting the championship belt together? “Its in the designers hands, or the commissioners court, or he can’t find unobtanium mixed with the tears of all the people you have let down to make the belt”, are lines we keep hearing about the delays. What I hear are excuses. WE ALL HEAR EXCUSES. I want to like you Toby, I really do.
(Special Commissioner's Comment: I'd love to say its to appropriately celebrate diversity both in #GMRRFFA and America, but its just because I have pudgy thumbs.)
Q: Following your Terry Tate takedown that Adam H raised in your last mailbag, I believe he was referring to me. At this point, I feel compelled to expand on his limited, if not biased, description of events.
First, I do give him a hard time because he always drops a deuce literally in the one, tiny centrally-located bathroom in my office. This facility has one urinal and one stall (note the picture), and is literally in the center of 15-20 men who use it as a bathroom of convenience for #1. Meanwhile, there are TWO other restrooms on our floor alone with multiple stalls, ideal for spending time there as they’re far removed from anyone’s work space.
What’s worse, Adam frequents the one-stall bathroom, makes an over-abundance of noise we can all hear and the odor forced one of our interns to resign.
Knowing all this, shouldn’t Adam use one of the more remote toilets?
- Frau Steinmetz, Pennsylvania
A: I must say I love it when the poop questions come my way, it’s like I am finally a legitimate expert being sought out for advice. I hope to be on "Law and Order" one day to take the stand and provide keen insight into why someone could not have committed that crime, if the poop is legit you must acquit!
What we have here is a classic case of Poop Dominance. Adam is definitely making a power play in the office. Most men like to poop in peace and some even are afraid of having people hear them do it. It drives me crazy when people flush every time a turd is about to splashdown. Seriously cut it out. One, it’s terrible for the environment, YOU ARE WASTING so much water. Two, you give yourself WAY to much credit for how much noise your M&M poops are making in the first place. Three, just own it and man up like Adam! I mean this guy seriously has some giant ones if he is knowingly making a symphony for those in the office to hear from inside the bathroom. He is probably not doing great work, might be struggling in his personal life, just generally down on his luck, but in the bathroom, he is really the King of the Middle of the Office Iron Throne. But that’s what he THINKS. He really is more like King Joffrey, acting tough in that bathroom for the office to fear him but he is surrounded by the stall AND the bathroom walls. It’s like every time he has to poop it’s the Battle of Blackwater Bay (no pun intended but genius). He can act all tough in their doing his business but when it comes to actually doing something he just sinks away into the darkness of his mother’s shadow…or something.
So how to deal with this? I would love for you to try this. Next time he goes into that bathroom, LOCK HIM IN THERE Orange is the New Black-style during the riot. Lock him in there and taunt him like you have the Conch. This is war and there is no way to deal with this guy diplomatically. He should be using the far reach bathrooms for these types of activities. Lock him in there and only let him out after a couple of days. Bonus points if you can get the lights off in there and pump sulfur into the bathroom so it smells really bad too.
Shame on you Adam and shame on me for defending you, you Joffrey wannabe piece of shit.
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