Welcome back to the latest edition of the #Smeet mailbag, where the #GMRRFFA's least effective owner tackles some of the most hard-pressing questions facing the league and, more importantly, America. Dive in and please note, #Smeet may, or may not, discuss #fantasyfootball this week.
Question: Smeet, since your team is in the crapper and you started your fire sale, what can we expect from you moving forward this season?
- The Commissioner
Answer: First off, it’s 2 weeks and my team isn’t the best but it’s not in the crapper. Secondly, I sold high on 2 players even though Kelce was off a bad week. I now have 370 dollars for the draft next year AND I am not giving up on anything. My team still looks weak but if the cards fall right, I will be fine and might even make an improbable run to the playoffs, like last year. If Galen can be 0-2 with THAT squad, there is no reason I can’t get lucky and win some games against teams on bad weeks. And stop trying to sell me all these keepers for Allen (Commissioner's Note: #Fakenews). They aren’t valuable keepers unless they actually end up as sure things at year end. Oh, and I will be doing my best to make these deadlines with quality content. Hopefully, more of our readers will submit questions.
Q: Hey Smeet, first time writing to you and I hope you can help me out. How do I deal with a co-worker who deuce shames you for going to the bathroom in the office restroom?
- Adam H., Mt. Vernon, VA
A: Hey Adam, thanks for writing and I believe I have the perfect solution to this terrible problem. First, I should let you know that I am something of a subject-matter expert on pooping at work. I sometimes deuce 4 times at work in a SINGLE day. Some people say that’s a physical problem I need to get checked out. I say my gastrointestinal system is a finely-tuned machine; car production lines could learn something from the efficiency of which my GI tract works. Plus, people take “smoke” breaks all the time. Why can’t it be socially acceptable for me to take a few dumps while I play some Clash Royale or peruse some “video.” But back to you.
This co-worker sounds like a real piece of uppity trash. First of all, why do restrooms exist? To have a private, safe, and sanitary place to do your business. (Speaking of which, I could write a whole column on not having a safe OR sanitary place to take a terrible crap. Maybe I will.) What the hell do they do? Not eat? Hold it for the whole day? It’s not healthy to do either of those things. So this is what I suggest. Take this to the Terry Tate level. If they sneeze, uppercut to the throat. They cough, kidney punch. They blow their nose, throw a stapler at their face. Rip ass? Trip them in the hallway. Hell, if you walk into the bathroom to take a nice poo, and catch them pissing in the urinal, push them into it, extra points if they piss on their pants. I know this sounds harsh but they need to learn a lesson in the fact that we have bodily functions and they cannot be quelled. Fuck that guy.
Q: In honor of this anniversary of 9/11, I thought it would be interesting to hear where you were during 9/11 and what you remember?
- Anonymous
A: Great question. I feel like anyone alive on that day will remember it as others remember where they were and what they were doing when JFK was assassinated. Before I continue I would just like to say thank you to all the men and women who were hero’s that day especially to the ones who lost their lives in being hero’s. It was such a tragic moment in many of our lives. I still feel terrible for all those impacted it. I literally just took a moment of silence for the lives lost, I suggest you maybe take one too to reflect. If you’re mad at someone or something, take a deep breath and realize people may be different but it doesn’t invalidate their feelings or thoughts. Hate is strong and it sucks. Get along with people even if you don’t like them.
This may come as no surprise to many of you but my morning of 9/11 had to do with my bathroom in my apartment during college (Commissioner's Note: One, no surprise whatsoever. Two, I'm cringing at where this goes from here). Interestingly enough, I was not responsible for what I am about to tell you. Our toilet was clogged and we couldn’t unclog it. Not because of a wicked #2, or trying to be so clean that you used a whole roll of TP and tried to flush it, or because of malfunctioning equipment. It was because my roommate accidentally dropped a brand new bar of soap in the toilet on this day and instead of just grabbing it out of the actually clean toilet; he tried to flush it…and it got stuck. Naturally he had a 1st period class and bolted, leaving me to deal with it.
Being this was on campus housing, I called the maintenance department. and they came over right away. At this point I hadn’t even turned on the TV so I was unaware of anything going on in the world. Also this was, shocker, before I had a cell phone. So the maintenance worker shows up promptly and right away says “Hey did you hear about an airplane crashing into one of the Twin Towers?” Confused, I reply “No, I wonder if a Cessna had a mechanical problem and crashed into it?” He says something along the lines of he’s not sure but that there is smoke coming from the building. After that, he tries to get to work. I turn on the TV to see what is going on. At first, the news wasn’t sure what was going on but that they think it was a passenger jet. I’m like what the…And I inform the maintenance guy, a complete stranger mind you. He comes to my living room and we both are just staring at the TV when we see the second plane hit. We look at each other with complete disbelief and sit on the couch and witness everything else unfold. I shared this moment with a plumber who’d I never met before.
To add to the story, the maintenance guy is having a lot of trouble with the clog. At which point I realize I never told him that the clog was from a brand new, solid bar of soap. We then break the sadness to make fun of my roommate for being a wimp for not picking up the soap out of the toilet instead. I decide to paint him a picture of a roommate by telling a story;
You see earlier that year my roommate came home from class one night excited to watch his absolutely favorite television show. Dawson’s Creek (Commissioner's Note: Loved that show!). Just one problem, there was a university-wide television outage and he thus would miss the show. He didn’t just say “oh well” or “Oh man that stinks” or “Geez, I hope none of my friends spoil the episode to me on AIM.” No, he screamed, started crying, ran into his room and jumped on his bed face down into his pillow yelling obscenities (Commissioner's Note: I had no idea we roomed together in college). Not joking he cried into that pillow for about the length of the show he was missing.
Maintenance guy doesn’t believe me. I say, "Sir you do not understand his obsession with the show, or more so his favorite character from the show, Joey." So I show him my roommate's room. His entire wall a giant a mosaic of Katie Holmes pictures, mouse pad is Katie Holmes, desktop wallpaper continued theme of a mosaic of Katie Holmes. Dude was nuts. That’s the type of guy who flushes a bar of soap down the toilet.
Q: Hey Smeet with it being Hurricane season, what items make up the perfect cart when prepping for a Hurricane/snow storm?
- Mark, Dorne
A: As the son of a doomsday prepper I should have a well-thought out plan…but I don’t. I’ll give this a shot though. First, let’s get down to it, Milk and Eggs? Worse thing to buy, seriously people get your heads out of your asses. What’s the first thing to happen in a bad storm like this? THE POWER GOES OUT! What do milk and eggs need? REFRIGERATION! What do refrigerators need? POWER! So yeah get that shit out of here. You need good but relatively non-perishables if you plan on hunkering down. First the “healthy” choices (Commissioner's Note: #Smeet uses a plural but only chooses one item as a "healthy option."). Unripe bananas if you can get them. They are the ultimate fruit. Come in biodegradable packaging. Durable. Don’t require low temps. Good source of energy. Next, you need some bread and some peanut butter. Again, no upkeep and who doesn’t like a good soft white slice of bread with peanut butter on it. Creamy of course, we aren’t heathens. Next you need some comfort food, like Chips Ahoy, Oreos, or my favorite Entemann's chocolate chip cookies (though to be real these need to be chilled but we’re talking about survival and sacrifices must be made). And, lastly, you need water, but seriously water tastes like garbage (Commissioner's Note: LOL) so buy Gatorade for drinking and the cheapest water you can find in case you need to cook with it or bath in it. Maybe throw in some condoms so you don’t have a kid 9 months later like a million other animals.
Q: Smeet, what Disney character most closely resembles your fantasy football team?
- Stranger Danger
A: Interesting question…Given that I have been married to a woman who falls asleep to a Disney movie every night I should be able to make an easy choice but this is tricky. On the surface my team is crap, under the surface it’s probably crap BUT I LOVE IT and still think it has a chance to make something of itself. So in that regard I am dubbing my team Quasimodo. To most he is unsightly and not capable of much but on the inside he is tougher than you think, has a lot of heart, and is quite talented. He lives a life of solitude much like my team dead last in the rankings but at the end he surprises everyone as the loveable hero that could. Yeah, that’s my team.
Q: Smeet, when you’re in your late 30’s with kids, at what point do you stop caring about the stories from your friend about his one night stand with a someone he met on an airplane?
- Anonymous
A: It’s quite obvious that you are not amused by this “person's” escapades but I share a different opinion. I don’t think I could stop caring because it’s pretty cool even if the woman was using an oxygen tank. My life is cool and all but between work, school, husbanding, house work, yard work, and, of course, hanging out with my amazing daughter (HI MARIA, Daddy loves you but good thing you can’t read, and even if you could, this column is bad, BAD), my life is pretty much standard fair. This “person” you speak of gets to “do” some…things that most of us cannot or won’t so that is pretty interesting to hear about occasionally. It’s definitely better than hearing about the thousand different moves he can’t decide to make in his other leagues, or debating to us if he should pick JuJu off waivers along with Mahomes, because apparently every good player isn’t rostered in that stupid league (Commissioner's Note: All other leagues #GMRRFFA owners are in are stupid, including both of my other ones). Plus these stories help me forget the time he started eating my French Fries without even asking if it was ok first. We aren’t bros, dude! Even if we were, I’m like a Pitbull with food aggression, don’t touch my fries! So yeah sexcapades of his life are good to hear ONCE IN A WHILE. Plus, it makes me feel good about my awesome family too.
Q: Smeet! I need you to settle a debate between a friend and I. I say we landed on the Moon, my friend is adamant it was a hoax. What say you?
- Anonymous
A: This question makes me chuckle because I actually have thought about this a lot and have another funny story that revolves around this. First the story: Now back in the day I never even thought twice about this, I have seen “The Right Stuff” like a 100 times with my dad, been to the Air and Space Museum, listened to stories from my dad about space stuff he knew (he’s a big space buff), and definitely learned about it in school. We definitely landed on the Moon. Fast forward to college, I tuned into this conspiracy theory show on Fox, I believe, debunking the fact that we went to the Moon.
As they go through all of the factors weighing into why it’s a hoax that we landed there, such as the flag is blowing and there is no wind, or the shadows are wrong, or if you speed up the footage of them running on the lunar surface it looks like they are just running on Earth and a bunch of other things. It had me so convinced that lunar landing was fake that I wasn’t paying attention to anything else, so when I got an itch on my eyebrow I nonchalantly when to scratch it with my electric shaver…..and bye bye right eyebrow. That was enough to shake me out of the trance and I went to the mirror and saw my fate, a bald head and only a left eyebrow. I looked more ridiculous than usual. My answer to this conundrum was to just shave off my left eyebrow….so basically from the crotch up, discounting nose hair, I was completely hairless. Luckily it didn’t take too long for them to grow back, phones still weren’t a thing, there was no Facebook, or IG, or blah blah.
Back to the Moon. I am still skeptical. Mostly because as I seem to hear a lot from old people, there is more computing power in a Texas Instruments Graphing Calculator than there was involved in the Space Program back then. Now they say this to tout the intelligence and hardwork of the people involved. I say bullshit because if I have a phone that can watch tv, play PS2 games, find out anything about anything in the world, translate language, and talk to someone on the other side of the world how the hell are we not doing day trips to the moon? We have privatized companies shipping stuff to space now, it’s not THAT expensive. And how amazing would it be to go back to the moon with 4K cameras, new science equipment, better rovers, a moon house? But yet there has been none of that shit. It’s like we pulled a fast one and to stop drawing attention to it we just slowly backed away and never went for it again. Now it’s hard to say its definitively a hoax and part of me still wants to believe we went, but HOW ARE WE NOT THERE NOW! Apple needs to come out with the next best thing? GO TO THE FUCKING MOON AND BRING YOUR STUPID SNAZZY IPHONE AND LIVESTREAM IT IN 4K!
If you can’t tell I am anti-iphone but PRO MOON. LET’S GO and make it for realsies and while we’re at it, hopefully the flat-earthers shut up.
And thanks for reading the 3rd installment of Ask Smeet some stuff.
Questions for #Smeet? One, you're disturbed. Two, email him at Smeetquestions@gmail.com and he'll be back in two weeks, unless he's been sent to Bellvue before then.
Comments