This mailbox has a theme and it makes me want to sit, fetal position style, in a hot shower with the lights off washing away my tears.
Q: Pick one that you can never have again for the rest of your life. Box mac and cheese, pigs in the blankets, cheese/hamburgers?
- Smeet's Cardiologist, New Jersey
A: The fact that I have to even choose is heart wrenching. This is like MFK but with my favorite foods. I have an infamous MFK scenario that has drawn lots of laughs but that is for another mailbag….maybe. I only had to give this a little bit of thought however as the answer is much easier than you would realize. Since growing up and vastly expanding my horizons into the food world…I’ll wait…you can stop now…seriously stop laughing! I eat Caesar Salad now for Smeet’s Sake! But, for reals, since I started dating my wife, I was finally brave enough (read "needing to impress enough"), that I ate her family’s homemade mac and cheese. Which by the way is DELICIOUS and for years I thought it was some passed-on family recipe from the dairy farm. One day, I asked my mother-in-law for the recipe. She said “Sure it’s on the back of the San Giorgio Elbow Macaroni box.” (Commissioner's Note: This is reminiscent of a classic SBTB episode) Eating homemade mac and cheese was a huge step for me because I always thought of shitty cafeteria mac and cheese, which always looked crusty and disgusting. But I was living a lie; good homemade mac and cheese is amazing and I honestly barely eat the box stuff anymore. So the answer is, KILL BOX MAC AND CHEESE! Long live Pigs in a Cozy Blanket and Cheeseburgers. But I am still devastated by killing off a staple food. And for those who are interested, store brand Mac and Cheese is a god among men. Kraft is meh.
Q: The Unicorn made some outlandish claims about global warming’s impact on things I cherish – alcohol, chocolate, coffee, and even maple syrup - do you believe in global warming and what’s our best course of action?
- The Commish, GMRRFFA HQ, Washington, DC
A: This is sad food topic number 2 and really sad world topic number 1. Do I believe in Global Warming? Yes, more than I believe we didn’t land on the moon, which by the way after further research, I firmly believed WE DID INDEED land on the moon, so we can put that to bed. (Commissioner's Note: Phew)
Global warming is totally a thing, same as Global Cooling, the Earth has repeated these cycles before we came along. That being said those natural occurrences were very gradual, taking thousands of years to develop. Now, we humans come along and miraculously warming cycle is expedited to the nth degree. Many people disagree with this because they want to believe the Earth is so big and so majestic it would be impossible for little old us to have an impact. But think about it in small scale: If you have one person in a small elevator shitting in their pants surrounded by innocent by-standers, you’re going to notice, and maybe not survive, speaking from experience. The Earth is that elevator and there are millions of people shitting their pants destroying the air, polluting the oceans, and DESTROYING CHOCOLATE FOREVER! (Commissioner's Note: One, I swear it wasn't me, but this is a fantastic metaphor for global warming)
Can you imagine a world without chocolate? No more "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" making any sense to future generations “What the hell is chocolate?” The stereotype is women need chocolate, enjoy Aunt Flow with no chocolate around, or wine. All guys might as well give up on women all together. Next thing you know we have no off-spring and the human population dies off. Bringing balance back to the planet. Thanks Thanos (I am telling you the guy is right, we are way over the K-line)!
Course of action? Each person can do their part, be more fuel efficient, produce less waste, recycle, stop hot boxing elevators Commissioner. I absolutely love chocolate, specifically Cadbury Milk Chocolate, the American stuff is good, but the stuff you can get from the UK is sex. I will not argue this.
Q: Who's your favorite person to work with at the GMRRFFA offices?
- Jon, Puerto Rico
A: This is a question that I believe would surprise the masses as it did NOT come from our commissioner but our other contributor who happens to be sipping mojitos with his toes in the sand and enjoying the sun of a hurricane ravaged island (Commissioner's Note: I also visited PR in May - its beautiful, people and food amazing, and it deserves all tha tourist money so go visit). Way to support a struggling population by making them serve you. You better be tipping extra well!
At the risk of being Switzerland, I would say everyone is my favorite. If you asked me who I am scared of the most, well that would be the commissioner. You don’t mess with him. He’s all about fear, pretty sure he has this tattooed on his chest “I would rather be feared. Fear lasts longer than love.” (Commissioner's Note: Lazy writing leads to butchering all-time great quotes... here's the actual below and you're welcome)
Q: What are your thoughts on the Rutgers Football team? Should they have moved to the Big 10?
- Maria, from the middle of a marathon, Rutherford, NJ
A: Ugh, here we go with more sadness. The Rutgers football team is absolutely trash. I imagine the top-ranked HS Football team in the country could beat them. By a lot. They don’t do a single thing well, including breaking the law, because they keep getting caught. My excuse when we were bad as a student there was that Rutgers only had smart and quality men playing football, leaving the better players to go to schools with less academic integrity, deep booster pockets, and TV exposure. Well now Rutgers has thugs, players getting pressure on professors to change grades, a lucrative Big 10 television contract, better facilities, good television exposure, and a head coach that won national championships as a defensive coordinator! So yeah…I have no idea what is going on but the athletic department is in shambles, just google basketball coach issues, former AD’s, etc. It’s a PR nightmare.
Moving to the Big 10 was a good move for RU, a TERRIBLE move by the Big 10.
Q: As a lifelong Giants fan, when should I get over the Eagles winning the Superbowl?
- The Sausage King, Vienna, VA
It just keeps getting worse. The answer is never. Eff the Eagles. You can get over it when you die. I am devastated that we can’t tell jokes anymore like “Why are Eagles fans great to date, because they never expect a ring.” It’s tragic, like global warming, giving up box mac and cheese, rooting for a terrible Rutgers team, and a terrible Giants team. Which leads us to…
Q: Is Eli really done in NY and what do Giants do now? Are they essentially the Bad Journeys of the NFL?
- Mike Francesa, NYC
A: Eli has been done in NY for years. Everyone got a wedgy when McAdoo benched him last year but it was the right move! Eli should have taken it like a man when the coach told him he would start but be taken out of the 2nd half to get the other QBs a shot, but he didn’t thinking he was being honorable and taking a seat. Instead, he was a disobedient and a terrible player. He has no athletic ability and, yeah he won a couple of Super Bowls, but those were anomalies on the back of stellar defensive teams, some lucky plays, and generally catching lightning in a bottle. Manning never carried the team. Sure, we were all happy for years with a competent QB but he isn’t Peyton, and he sure as hell isn’t Brady, Brees, Rodgers, or Rivers. Excuse me while I drown in my own vomit.
The Giants are WORSE than the Bad Journeys. They have people making millions of dollars to lead this team, with actual experience, with the best technology, information, resources, and personnel to assist them. I’m just a guy trying to live, have fun, and accumulate as many draft dollars as possible. The Giants have ONE JOB! Bright side is they can keep tanking and hopefully get a good QB in the draft next year with another top 5 pick, granted the QB class is weaker but a young, decently mobile QB, with a good arm is a HUGE upgrade.
Q: If I lose to you this week, should I just quit?
- Stabs/Spina, NYC/Washington, DC
A: Well, first you need to actually lose. Second, despite the power rankings and what the media says about me, my team is not THAT bad. I don’t have any real homerun threats but I have a solid lineup, especially considering I have sold off every asset that people were willing to pay for. I have $401 2019 DRAFT DOLLARS!! I’m winning that race suckas!
I would love to conclude with "Yup you should quit, you loser!" but I like you and your Hailey Comet frequency comments in WhatsApp. Odds are you are going to win, but I will be looking for Marlon Mack to run all over you!
Q: You're a teenage Smeet staying at a beach house with your closest friends for the week. It's been a fun few days, but now everyone is out of food, except for a friend's few boxes of mac and cheese. Upon asking him for some, he responds, "My mom bought them for me and she would want me to have them". How much do you hate this friend now and how many years before you can forgive him? Asking for a friend.
- Cook, Wilmington, NC
A: And the nail of the coffin that has me teetering in my chair naked ready to enter the shower. I admit to the masses, ok 10 people reading this, THAT I WAS THIS PERSON (Commissioner's Note: For clarity, Smeet was the person whose mom bought him the mac and cheese and selfishly refused to share with his life-long chums). I realized long ago, like yesterday, that this was a terrible move on my part, I was selfish, mean, and inconsiderate. But I have CHANGED! I am generous and even serve at the soup kitchen at my church, I don’t think anyone in the story does that. And in my defense, and as you all make fun of me for, I am the most selective eater on the planet, and I was worse then. All I could think about was that my mom bought me these supplies so I wouldn’t starve to death while you all ate your pizza, and wings, and whatever other food “normal” people eat. Without that mac and cheese I was going to be on my own episode of Naked and Afraid! It wouldn’t have been good.
Except the story didn’t end with me eating the mac and cheese. I relented, or was overrun by the masses who stole the food from me, but either way the food was no longer in my possession. And what happened next? Someone thought it was a good idea to make ALL of the boxes, and put it in a bowl and bring it to a beach to eat. Person carrying the food? Our dumbest friend (Commissioner's Note: Miss you boo...actually, not really) and he proceeded to drop the bowl in the sand. So, no one got any.
Morale of the story is that my mom has magic, she wanted me to have the mac and cheese, she cursed your ability to have it and we all starved…Not really sure what we did for food after that. Lesson learned ok. I was dick. I admit it. I have changed though, I promise. I am a great friend! I AM SMEEET!
Excuse me while I sleep in the shower and drift in and out of consciousness thinking about how shitty my fantasy football team is, a world without boxed mac and cheese or chocolate, the giants sucking, the ny rangers sucking, the Rutgers football team sucking, the Yankees blowing it, and finishing off with thinking about how my friends hate me for something that happened 20 years ago. Good night indeed.
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