Happy post-Thanksgiving everyone. Hope you all (my 8 readers) had a great holiday with friends, family, and naps. This bag of mail will be a little abridged, but I am producing some controversial…material that should make up for it.
Knowing your questionable dietary restrictions and bizarre palette what’s your staple Thanksgiving appetizer, meal, and dessert?
I love easy questions.
Appetizer: Hand-rolled pigs in a blanket. You get yourself some Nathan’s Hot Dogs, cut them in half lengthwise and then into 3rds and you have your pigs. Then you take some Pillsbury crescent roll dough, Buttermilk of course, and cut strips, and then you roll those pigs up and bake for about 14 minutes at 350. Mmmmmmmmm.
Meal: First, you visit your wife’s family farm and see the baby turkeys they bought. You play with them, have your daughter play with them, and you watch the nice life they live by following them grow up on Facebook for a few months. Then, three days before Thanksgiving, your friend gets the axe…You try to not think about it while eating absolutely, deliciously, fresh, and juicy turkey. This is a true story, and if anyone is ever interested in home grown, humanely raised turkeys, I can get you the info. Of course, you need to be semi-local. Anyway.
With the meal I need mashed potatoes, and through my MIL, I have discovered the best recipe for mashed potatoes I have ever eaten. I don’t feel like typing the whole recipe but I am sure you can get the idea of how to make them, and if I can make them, you can make them. Ingredients list:
5 pounds Yukon Gold Potatoes
6 oz of Philly Cream Cheese
8 oz of Sour Cream
2 tsp onion salt
1 tsp salt or more to your liking
½ tsp of freshly ground pepper or more
2 tablespoons butter
I am making this for Christmas dinner too suckers!
Pillsbury Buttermilk Biscuits, and throw in some corn and I am good to go. No cranberry sauce for this guy or stuffing, or anything else. I will need some mayonnaise and some fresh bread for some late night hot turkey sandwiches.
Dessert: I have a couple of staples but my favorite is chocolate pudding pie with Oreo crust. But it has to be the cooked pudding with WHOLE MILK, the Instant stuff is ok, but cooked is just more creamy and delicious. This will still make me exert my championship poop dominance but it is worth it. I have to make multiple pies, one for me, and the rest for people to share. I am anything but unselfish, if you have been paying attention you knew that already, ahem Mac and Cheese story.
Do you really prioritize the GMRRFFA draft over your own anniversary?
100% no. If this was true I MIGHT, just MIGHT, be a better auction drafter. But yes, it truly did happen that 10 years ago (or 9 or whatever), in the beginning of August I got excited about the impending football season, and fucked up. Yes, as stated our anniversary is August 31st, and I said, to my wife, without realizing the implications, because I am a guy, and stupid (and did I mention a guy?), “I am so excited it’s almost September” and wife asked why, because of course she did, and I said “FOOTBALL STARTS!” Yeah she was expecting a different answer, one that included, first wedding anniversary…I will never be forgiven for that, unless I get a divorce…which might happen after this mailbag. (Commissioner's Note: Mhmmm)
Murder, Fuck, Kill: Tito Galen, Mark Hutchinson, the Unicorn?
Which leads us here…Where is here? The beginning of me going to hell. Or something.
First, I feel I need to explain to readers, maybe we are up to 10 by now, what exactly MFK is….it’s a messed up game where you are tasked with deciding, based on the 3 names provided, who you will Marry, Fuck, or Kill. You read this correctly, this “game” is designed to cause laughter, disgust, sadness, anger, and possibly lost friendships.
Before I dive into the fiery pits of hell with this MFK, I think it would be good to share an infamous MFK I was asked to decide on many moons ago, and shockingly it was a disaster. The MFK was the Sausage King, his now ex-girlfriend Mary, and Cook (another dude - see to the right).
Without hesitation I killed Mary. Also, important to note I was asked this MFK in the physical presence of the involved parties. Everyone was shocked…but what you need to know is that Mary got between me and my Mac and Cheese, and as we all know by now, you don’t mess with my Mac and Cheese. We were all on vacation down in OBX and sharing this massive house on the beach and it was AMAZING. Except when around lunch time, I went to use the kitchen for some Mac and Cheese making. Mary, the matriarch of the group (Commissioner's Note: I'd argue using the term 'matriarch' but this was 20 years ago so whatever), was like “Hells to the no, Smeet! I am about to make dinner for the night and you best get out the way!” I was hungry! AND I WANTED MAC AND CHEESE!!! So yeah, I killed her dead. Next, I had to decide on the Marry and Fuck which again was not too difficult. The Sausage King has been a best friend of mine for years and we have a lot in common, and well many years later I’d probably marry him again, so he was the marry. And I fucked Cook because he was small, quite promiscuous (read: probably good at it…I told you this is a terrible game) and well I had already killed Mary and married Jon so I had to do what I had to do.
But now it’s time for what everyone has been waiting for, the final MFK I hope to ever do. I really wanted to take the easy way out and say something like “I am going to kill Tito with my bad jokes, and Eff the shit out of the Unicorn with my awesomeness, and marry Mark with all my love” but then no one gets what they came for, a train wreck.
Let’s first get some administrative stuff out of the way to get our readers some insight. If you read the excellent ramblings of my first husband you know that I am something of a slut in the league chat and have been dubbed the Black Widow:
Apparently being nice to the guys involved in this MFK makes me a hussy. And is this a smidge of what women deal with all the time? Like you smile at a guy or say hello and next thing you know you’re inundated with dick pics and when you say no, they call you bad names? Because this is abuse and I am sorry. But yeah apparently based on my sincerity towards these gentlemen its with everyone’s great interest, or just our creepy commissioner, who I would marry, kill, and fuck so these individuals know where they stand against one another.
Next, I should preface that I have met only 2 of these guys in person and at that it’s been like 5 times combined between the 2, after this season though with the WhatsApp group I really want to have a league hangout. I haven’t met many of them but everyone is awesome, except Carlos…he’s ok. But its hard to hangout with someone that is half your age and height.
So let’s get down to it. I think I should list some traits about each individual to paint a Bob Ross, R.I.P, portrait if you will.
The Unicorn is one of our California fellows, who doesn’t eat meat, WUT? Loves to travel, wants to be a granddad, makes money, and is absolutely hilarious with perfectly timed comments like “What a cock” that leave me cackling like a little kid who just heard the best poop joke. Seriously the guy is hilarious, ESPECIALLY when he is angry. Like the Hulk becomes invincible and green when he is angry, the Unicorn turns his hat backwards and like a switch is just OVER THE TOP funny. Oh and he has a crazy good beard.
Mark Hutchinson is our resident financial analyst who lives a double life. He has some kids (Commissioner's Note: "Some kids" seems very specific for this budding bromance), a wife who is hilarious, and based on our side chats, about as dirty of a mind as me. Oh and he is going to hell for mocking his crying kid, but it was hilarious - hold I am watching it again…So yeah I have never met Mark, the lone wolf in this regard. He is also hilarious and rivals only me in chat quantity, and rivaled by very few in his awesome jokes and well timed Chubb gifs. Bottom line, Mark is the coolest dude I have never met.
Last we have Tito Galen, like a fine wine, a man who gets better with age. As our resident old guy you would never know it by his formidable forearms and lack of a dad bod
He may be less active in the chat then others but like a snake in the grass, when he makes himself known you’re going to need someone to suck the poison out. He’s also our #1 team in the league (Commissioner's Note: Did you know GMRRFFA is actually a fantasy football league before seeing this?), stacked with cheap amazing keepers, and solid players up and down. He’s also a pops and has a super cool wife who I have met. She is so cool she wouldn’t humor the Commissioner's attempt to get spouses to slander their husbands…thanks for taking part in that, Sweetie….THANKS A LOT!
So that’s the three suitors. Tough choices indeed but this is why I get paid the big bucks, and by big bucks I mean nothing except constant reminders of the deadlines I need to meet and the anxiety of trying to be funny.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!
Suitor that I will be putting a ring on is:
TITO! Tito Tito Tito! The crowd goes wild. So this was a hard choice because seriously this game is messed up and why should I have to make this choice, seriously this is like Saw 57. Anyway Tito is the Varsity QB, with the brawn and the brains to lead me to his….house? And like many marriages, we don’t have to bone, just hangout in his Caddy and take to the streets looking for fun. I could think of way worse people to spend my life with, not to say the other guys are worse…just different. Please don’t hate me!
So that leads us to knowing who dies and who rides. The winner of eternal boning with Smeet is…….
Mark! Seriously if you all knew the side chats we have you wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest. Dude's an animal. And since I have never met the guy, we can get properly acquainted. In the most gut wrenching way possible. I am trying to stay relaxed and get through this without taking it seriously but it’s very difficult. I am lying here on the couch with some mood lighting, eating Cadbury Chocolate, and my laptop. I look like Carrie Bradshaw typing her column except a lot bigger, poorly dressed, and with cheaper shoes, but it’s almost the same. Get ready Mark! You get to meet Smeet! Based on the group chat, I am pretty sure Mark drank some bleach.
And this leads us to what some will think is the biggest shocker, killing the Unicorn. Look this game is effing stupid and I would never kill you but in the evil spirit of the game I have to man! And the reasoning is relatively sound.
First, you got hair man, lots of hair, I can’t pretend you’re a woman. Second, you live on the West Coast, and we know you ain’t coming to the East Coast for me, and I sure as hell am not going west, so logistically it makes sense. 3rd, you already boned the Commissioner and I am not playing second fiddle to that. And lastly, you want to be a grandpa, and well killing you is the only way to eliminate that possibility in the best way. It’s simple, hear me out. Once you went Smeet, you’d always want his meat, which is saying something since you are a hairy vegan. And you can’t be a grandpa with me, it’s just not possible, no matter how much I apparently am Black Widow or act like a woman with an unhealthy infatuation with Mac and Cheese I can’t reproduce for you dude.
Excuse me while I drink some of the bleach that Mark so graciously left for me. I never want to read or speak of this again.
Come back in 2 weeks for a fun and light spirited Christmas mailbag.
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