Welcome back, Ramblings Readers. Hard to believe, but here we are, 4 weeks of NFL action in the books. In honor of commemorating roughly 30% of the fantasy season being over, I thought I’d try something a little different. This week, I am going to put my money where my mouth is and pick a winner for all the #GMRRFFA match-ups. I have no idea idea how this is going to go, but to be honest, I really need to get this week’s column handed in, because Mrs. Sausage is about to watch this week’s 90 Day Fiance without me and some things I will not stand for.
Dude Where is My Carr? (FIL) vs Trubisky Business (The Commish)
At first glance, I thought this might come down to the QB match-up with Matt Ryan going against Kirk Cousins. Both have been putting up solid numbers the first 4 weeks, but Ryan goes up against Pittsburgh, who is currently 31st in giving up fantasy points against QBs. Looking past QBs, Trubisky Business has some injury issues, with both the zombie formerly known as LeSean McCoy and Sammy Watkins dealing with injuries. Fun fact: I have Chris Ivory stashed on my roster for the sole reason of taking a screenshot of an upcoming trade offer of Ivory for Deandre Hopkins upon McCoy’s inevitable season-ending injury. Commish has one home-run hitter, Nuk, but I’m not sure it’s going to be enough this week.
Winner: Dude Where is My Carr?
Bad Journeys (#Smeet) vs The Big Gronkowski (Tito Galen)
Never mind the fact that #Smeet is rostering 2 QB’s (Trubisky and #Fitztragic), both of whom are on a bye this week. That doesn’t even matter. #Smeet brought a pen to a knife fight. In lieu of having to write more about this one, enjoy this footage of an actual pen vs knife fight from "The Bourne Identity":
Winner: The Big Gronkowski
Dead Sea (The Unicorn) vs In Bob Mueller We Trust (Toby)
Week 5 doesn’t let up, and brings us the match-up we’ve all been waiting for with this battle of 1-3 teams. With Hopkins no longer on the roster, the Dead Sea lineup is a castrated shell of its former glory. It’s hard to remember a time when the Unicorn was actually intimidating, but I vaguely remember the league suffering from a collective fever dream where he was an early favorite to win it all. That being said, we are still talking about Toby here, who’s in the unenviable position of having to choose between starting missing-in-action Robby Anderson, struggling Larry Fitzgerald and a hobbling Doug Baldwin. And despite this post coming out on Waiver Day, I fully anticipate Toby joining me in the (gulp) Antonio Gates sweepstakes to fill in our holes at TE this week. At the end of the day, I say Dead Sea’s free-fall continues and we’ll be seeing Ezekiel Elliott available coming soon to a yard sale near you. Giddy up!
Winner: In Bob Mueller We Trust (Commissioner's Note: Really? Toby?)
Team Motley (Makese) vs Lights, Kamara, Action (Garcia)
BATTLE OF THE UNBEATENS!!! I know it’s very fashionable to disrespect Team Motley and their record on this site and in the group chat, so I tried to keep an open mind with this one. Makese has some real weapons heating up here (Marshawn Lynch, Sony Michel, Cooper Kupp, Jared Cook), but right when I was starting to feel the first inkling of respect for Team Motley, I’m reminded of the absolute murderer’s row on the LKA! roster. Barring a natural disaster that opens up the earth and swallows up at least 3 out of 5 of his starters (Kamara, CMC, Julio, Tate and Kelce), LKA! is steamrolling his opponent. Nothing personal to Makese, but Garcia is clubbing baby seals out here and I have a sinking feeling that we are all going to get a taste.
Winner: Lights, Kamara, Action!
Let’s Eat a God Damn Snack (Stabs) vs denver ponyboys (Carlos)
This one would be a lot closer if the ponyboys had Fournette going with Melvin Gordon, but alas, this is not the case. Carlos and Fournette are both very similar in that they probably both lay in bed at night, praying for God to bless them with bigger stronger legs. But every morning, they wake up and look in the mirror, and from their trauma-ridden perspective stare disappointingly at their tiny toddler-like limbs.
Winner: Let’s Eat a God Damn Snack
Kerryon My Wayward Johnson (Coop) vs Dorne Diredonkeys (Mark)
Match-up of my 2 favorite team names, with the slight edge to Coop who gets bonus points for naming his team after a rookie, who to my knowledge, he never owned. Both of these teams are struggling at RBs, but Dorne has heavy hitters at other positions to make up for it. I mean, Mahomes, Michael Thomas, OBJ, Chris Carson and Gronk, which one of these does not belong (Commissioner's Note: Trick question! Could be OBJ, Gronk or Carson at this point)? Speaking of which, when did Dorne put together this masterpiece of a roster and how different is it from the roster he originally drafted. I’ve witnessed firsthand how that sneaky bastard sweet talks owners out of their most valuable assets. That silver tongued Lothario had me ready to deal Antonio Brown + Kenny Stills + $40 future draft dollars + my 401k + my first born’s umbilical cord, and I was just giggling and twirling my hair the whole time, like I was Mrs. Sausage being approached on the street by Chris Hemsworth.
Winner: Dorne Diredonkeys
Pain Train (Fredo Maisel) vs Vienna Sausages (Sausage King of Vienna)
Seriously? 2-3 HERE I COME!!!
Winner by a Landslide: Vienna Sausages
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