Know who likes drama? THIS GUY! Holy high hell owners, Week 13 wrapped in some dramatic fashion last night when most of us endured a vicious Steelers-Bengals game to see where things would shake out. Previous to the game, I of course wrote a summary (scrapped) with final seeds (scrapped) and a clever farewell song to my FIL’s STLU (scrapped).
After last night’s game, all EIGHT seeds changed due to some incredible results – with less than 4 minutes to go in that game, both division titles and the final two seeds were all in play, impacting SEVEN teams directly (and three more indirectly), so holy cow. Trubisky Business made an epic comeback on Dorne, STLU made an even more epic comeback against Stabs, and the Denver ponyboys late sack coupled with kickoff yardage stunned Pete’s WSPDs, ending the underdog’s six game winning streak. The Fire Division champ was determined by the final play last night, and the Fury Division champ was determined by less than 1 point.
In any case, playoff seeding and match-ups for Round 1 are set (check out a quasi-extensive breakdown below), but let’s first do a fun Winners & Losers recap of Monday Night Football first:
Winner: STLU
His obit was already written – STLU was at risk of losing his last two to miss out on the playoffs (again) and would be reminded ad nausea about that time he lost to Toby by .1 points in Week 9 as reason to miss out on the postseason. Instead, STLU saw Antonio Brown shake off a toe injury to post 26 points and a last second Chris Boswell field goal clinched the comeback after STLU started the night down nearly 30.
Loser: Vienna Sausages
STLU’s last second win knocked Jon’s Vienna Sausages out of the playoffs altogether. With ATHNN winning, Vienna either needed to win, or have STLU also lose, which would’ve clinched a spot based on tiebreakers. Despite Le’Veon Bell dropping 31 points, Jon had no chance of winning, but he did go to bed last night thinking he was in good shape. Not so fast Jonny! A brutal exit from the postseason SHOULDN’T overlook the fact that Vienna lost 4 of his last 5 games, dropping to 6-7 after being 5-3 halfway through the season.
Winner: Trubisky Business
Early in the day yesterday, I determined my chances of knocking off Dorne while Stabs lost (giving me the division) was non-existent, so I spent some time considering benching AJ Green to ensure a strong match-up seeding-wise in Round 1, potentially facing the wrath of the fantasy football gods. Yet, after speaking to my consigliere and forgetting about the game during the kid’s bedtime routine, AJ stayed in. The strong win was helpful, and it gave me the tie-breaker over Dorne, and thanks to STLU’s win (our text exchange over the last 48 hours was enjoyable), I not only won the division (hundred dolla bills y’all) but clinched the number 1 overall seed.
Loser: Stabs I mean, that was a brutal way to lose; it was so bad Stabs actually came on the WhatsApp chat to make a comment. His loss cost him a division title (and $100), but even worse it dropped him all the way down to the 6th seed. Now, instead of facing STLU this week again, he’ll face a much tougher match-up against the 3rd seed, That Hit Was Legit Gronks…
Loser: I Already Spent my Division Winnings Gronksters
Speaking of Galen, that Carlos win over Pete by less than a point cost him a division title, which is a bummer. Even more though, a division title would’ve pitted him against STLU instead of Stabs, which is a bit more favorable.
Winner: Dorne Diredonkeys
Man, this could’ve ended really bad for Mark. First, a loss to me cost him the #1 seed; a Galen division title would’ve been even worse. If Pete held on to win, Dorne would’ve dropped all the way down to a four seed, and face off against Silvio’s ANUS. Now, a second seed, the reigning champ gets STLU (notice a theme here?) plus wins $100 for being a division champ!
Winner: Vienna Sausages
Seriously, Jon received the prestigious Kamara Williams Award for worst personnel decision last Friday. In related news, Alvin Kamara’s week would’ve clinched a playoff spot for Jon if he was still on his roster…
Loser: Fury Division
It was an ongoing theme for the division this season that it was significantly weaker than the Fire Division, and the results speak for themselves. The division only has two playoff teams, both of whom are the only two with winning records. The league finished just 20-29 against the Fire Division (four wins came against Makeese), so it was simply a tough slog for the division. That said, each team playing all 13 teams ensure fair play regardless of division, but man, the division was a two-team race for the last four or five weeks…
In any case, a few quick facts on the playoffs before we get started… in 2016, every lower seed won their first round match-ups in the playoffs and Dorne won the championship as an 8 seed…
Playoff teams are averaging 116.7 points per week, with ANUS shining brightest with an impressive 131 per week. By comparison, Pete’s WSPDs are averaging just 106 points every week… Finally, over the last 3 weeks, ANUS is averaging 140 points(!!!!!!), with Stabs and I averaging around 130 per week. On the low end, Pete’s at just 111.2 over the last three weeks (up over his season average at least) with Coop’s ATHNN averaging 116.6…
1) Trubisky Business (9-4) vs. 8) ATHNN (6-7)
This is one of the more surprising match-ups this post season; Coop’s ATHNN has largely been all over the map, starting the season on a three game winning streak before a five game losing streak. He finished winning 3 of his last 5 and sneaking in to the postseason. Meanwhile, I’m essentially hitting my stride, winning 4 of my last 5 and posting season high point totals twice over the last two weeks. ATHNN trounced me in Week 2 by 23 points, but my roster has changed substantially after 9 trades (!!!) and 24 acquisitions over the season. We should know how this one will go fairly quickly, when Coop’s Mark Ingram and Julio Jones for me face off Thursday night. Coop’s got an unfortunate QB match up for Jared Goff against Philly, but I’ve got a ton of question marks too, like Jordan Howard actually performing and can Travis Kelce put up monster numbers again? Coop’s struggled to stay consistent throughout the season with points, posting anywhere from 87 to 148 in the last 5 weeks, so if he struggles out of the gate, it may be indicative of his final fate. That said, I’ve been consistent with points, totaling 110-125 over the last few weeks aside from bumps in Weeks 12 and 13.
2) Dorne (9-4) vs 7) STLU (7-6)
Mark normally should be a heavy favorite, but he’s on a two game losing streak and while his record has been impressive, Dorne’s points total hasn’t been so hot. Aside from Week 13, Dorne hasn’t exceeded 113 in the three of the last four weeks. Alex Smith is essentially key for Dorne, and Week 13 saw him posted 47, more than his 3 previous games COMBINED! Smith has a favorable match-up against Oakland so that helps. STLU is in a different place, relying almost exclusively on Antonio Brown, who has been nothing short of amazing over the season, and has posted 28 catches, six touchdowns and 414 yards over the last three games. STLU has struggled with quarterback issues all season, and Tyrod Taylor potentially out this week. But he does have the immortal Josh McCown on the bench, who posted back-to-back 30 point games the last two weeks and squares off against a decimated Broncos defense next week. STLU is the second lowest point scorer in the playoffs over the course of the season, but he’s seen a nine-point bump over the last three weeks over his average.
3) Sidelined for a Week Gronk (9-4) vs. 6) Stabs/Kaeptain America (8-5)
Galen’s Gronks are something of an enigma at this point, posting 139 or better four times this season, and under 110 four times as well. Even stranger, Galen dropped 139 and 147 in Weeks 10 and 11, but near identical 111 figures over the last two weeks. He has the weapons – Brady, Hunt, Adams, Thielen – but a lot of their points seem to have a lot to do with how others perform (Alex Smith, Case Keenum, Brett Hundley etc). A hot week and Galen is the team to beat, but a tough defensive match-up for New England or KC, and he might not break 100. On the other side, Stabs is literally a roller coaster of emotions. Since Week 6, his points: 80.5, 102.1, 130.7, 119, 82.9, 121, 154.6, 111.7. Coincidentally, he limps in to the playoffs on a 3-5 record over his last 8 weeks, including losses to four playoff teams. He’s decided to ride the Case Keenum train these last two weeks after Jay Cutler and Josh McCown, but the Vikings’ QB faces a tough Carolina defense after Minnesota scored just 14 points last week against the Falcons. Meanwhile, Todd Gurley gets Philadelphia so Stabs is entering uncharted territory.
4) Wholesale Porndealers (8-5) vs 5) ANUS (8-5)
Last night’s loss doesn’t really cost Pete’s WSPDs aside from an impressive six-game winning streak. Even he acknowledges that the streak was fun, but his points total suggests otherwise. Pete’s averaging less than 107 points per week (though up to 111 over last three weeks), which is 13th in the league (5 non-playoff teams scored more than him this season), but his opponents’ have yet to remove the lucky horseshoe from Pete’s anus. During the six game winning streak, his opponents averaged just 97 points per week (even in his loss this week, Pete’s opponent barely broke 100). Even more, Pete’s only had opponents score more than 120 points against him TWICE all season – lowest in the league. That said, he’s also 5-2 against playoff teams so at some point we may have to tip our hat to this befuddling lube job of an owner. On ANUS’ side, he’s obviously a bull and was one of the biggest beneficiaries of Stabs’ loss, getting Pete instead of A Wrinkle in my Pleats Gronks. Silvio’s squad has been tearing up league rectums for weeks now, finishing the season on a 6-1 run even without Ezekial Elliot. He’s averaging an astounding number of points per week, but more concerning for Pete, over the last ten weeks Silvio’s lineups have scored more than Pete’s average every week, posting at least 112 in ten straight contests (best in the league). Even in his two losses since Week 4, Silvio’s lineup would’ve bested four teams in both Weeks 6 and 12. Finally, to underscore the David vs Goliath narrative, in those last ten weeks, Silvio would beat Pete 8 out of 10 times. Unfortunately for the feel good story of the season, Pete needs both a huge uptick for his team AND disaster for Silvio to make it to the semi-finals…
Alright owners, that’s your preview for next week – congrats again to everyone for making it to the postseason (and Matt Minnella, who came alive to win 3 of his last 4 this season to build towards 2018). Some real fun match-ups plus keep up the chatter… Winners this week are guaranteed some money, so there’s actually something at stake beyond pride.