Week 3 Power Rankings: "1/2 a Crap Sandwich" & More

Hey now, just in time for an excruciating Thursday Night Football match-up of Browns/Jets, your Commish brings even more pain, with the latest #GMRRFFA power rankings below. No surprises at #1 or #14, a duo appropriately dubbed "1/2 a crap sandwich" but the rest of the league is literally all over the place. We have TWO surprise 2-0 teams making serious moves, plus two HUGE SURPRISE 0-2 teams maybe not moving quite as much. Let the debate surrounding a lack of respect and how biased the commissioner is commence!

14. Bad Journeys (Smeet)

Record: 0-2

Last Ranking: 14th

Analysis: After sending Kelce to LKA! last week, #Smeet’s fire sale continued, sending the new Patriot Josh Gordon for Isiah Crowell and future draft dollars, and once again reminding us #Smeet’s the only one here who’s actually not playing to win the game. His heinous Kitten Bowl performance could’ve been a win with Kelce in the line-up but again I can’t blame him for the choice. Its fun watching #Smeet work the waiver wires nonetheless, as was the case on Wednesday when he picked up the highly-coveted MVP Ryan #Fitzmagic over four other owner bids. As you can guess, he’s trading the Bucs’ QB tomorrow for $20 draft dollars and a Costco package of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from an unsuspecting owner desperate for a QB. Not much more to write about #Smeet – who through two weeks hasn’t broken 100 and already has 2 of 4 of the lowest totals of the season – other than I can’t wait for his likely one or 2 victories this year, probably me in Week 9 to derail any postseason hopes I have…

13. In Bob Mueller we Trust (Toby)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 9th

Analysis: Despite winning said Kitten Bowl, I don’t think even Toby would complain about this spot for his team, which posted an absolutely heinous 96 points in a win, the fourth lowest score of the season thus far (including all losing teams). Already depleted at running back, Toby splurged on a short-term lease on Giovanni Bernard ($76 over 6 other owners), only to learn Charlotte Walton, the Bengals’ 3rd string RB, will probably carry the load for a banged up Bernard. What’s worse is Toby has a tough match-up this week against his former protégé, Tito Galen, still smarting from two consecutive losses and desperate to get on the winning track. More concerning, Toby needs Wentz to perform solely because the rest of his roster is made up of JuJu and the WR formerly known as Larry Fitzgerald (BTW, what the hell is happening in Arizona? Larry’s best QB had been Palmer but even then he put up solid numbers with the likes of John Skelton and Drew Stanton. Sam Bradford is abhorrent). I’m also really excited to see Toby roll the dice with the Pitt D against Fitzmagic, especially after their -8 performance in Week 2.

12. Trubisky Business (the Commish)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 7th

Analysis: Your illustrious Commish ran in to a buzz saw in the form of Fredo Maisel’s Pain Train last week and wasn’t even close despite a near flawless Cousins with 45.5 point performance. The Ravens’ dud and Zuerlein’s injury definitely hurt, but not sure either would have aided the commish. Meanwhile, I was genuinely excited when McCoy exceed his Week 1 performance (3 points) against the Chargers, but the top-10 RB has more questions surrounding him – ribs, childe abuse allegations, Josh Allen – than I’m comfortable with. I genuinely like nabbing Kittles for Matt Ryan, at least this week when the 49ers pay from behind against an anemic KC Defense, but being a part of the Rivalry of the Week has added more pressure on me than a delicious burger from Capital Burger adds to my cholesterol levels.

11. Stockholm Syndrome (Silvio)

Record: 0-2

Last Ranking: 8th

Analysis: Its gone from bad to worse for the reigning champ, apparently recognizing that his studs aren’t going to be at 2017 levels this season. Look at the numbers thus far for his three keepers:

Russell Wilson – 2017 average: 26 points; 2018 average: 22.5

Zeke Eliot – 2017 average (10 games): 21.3 points; 2018 average: 18.7

DeAndre Hopkins – 2017 average: 20.1 points; 2018 average: 20.1 (ok, this one doesn’t help my point but whatever).

Couple a 6-point dip in averages to start along with realizing that both Seattle and Dallas simply aren’t any good (even with their stars), and the ultimate result is an 0-2 start. Silvio’s team played much better in Week 2, but it looks like feast-or-famine in the SF Bay area, and even on a good day, four other teams outscored Silvio (and three others were within 5 points). Its probably premature at this point to say its over for Silvio, but his roster reeks of desperation in the name of Blake Bortles, whom he picked up as insurance for Wilson (who may be decapitated this season in all seriousness). He won’t tell us, but I am confident Silvio will be spending anywhere from 5-10 minutes contemplating starting Bortles over Wilson in the very near future.

10. Dude Wher is my Carr (FIL)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 13th

Analysis: In a must-win last week, FIL knocked off his own son, Carlos, by a healthy margin largely on the back of Saquon Barkley… fun fact(s) on Barkley, who rushed for a dismal 28 yards on 11 carries but still managed 25 points against Dallas… he’s top 8 in receptions in the league, but averages just 6.4 yards per catch. In fact, his 14 receptions for 80 yards, or 5.7 yards per reception, was the lowest in NFL history for a player with 14 or more receptions in a single game. He’s currently #9 in rushing, averaging 4.6 yards per carry, but minus his 68 yard scamper, he’s only averaging a pedestrian 3.1 yards per carry.

I’m pretty confused as to whether Barkley is really the 5th best RB in fantasy scoring at this point, but FIL is gonna ride that train until it comes to a complete stop.

(Side note: I picked up FIL and Grandma Riff Raff at BWI airport last night, and the first thing he said was how excited he was to watch Browns/Jets Thursday night football – YIKES!)

9. Kerryon my Wayward Johnson (Coop)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 6th

Analysis: The resident Group chat hater suffered a tough loss to LKA! Last week despite Stefon Diggs dropping 38 points. Otherwise, his roster performed average at best leading to the 12 point loss. Two weeks in, I’m not sure whether Coop’s team is going to be good or not – solid QB in Brees plus Diggs and Cook, but his Ravens’ contingent of Alex Collins and Michael Crabtree need to be a concern for the former Chip n Dale’s dancer. Collins is the #1 back in Baltimore but clearly splitting time with Buck Allen, who is also getting most goal line touches. Crabtree is solid, but the immortal Joe Flacco clearly likes John Brown, especially in the red zone. He gets Vienna Sausages this week, before facing off with a potentially brutal schedule of Silvio (I said “Potentially”), Dorne, and Stabs.

8. Vienna Sausages (Jon del)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 12th

Analysis: The resident pot-stirrer went beast mode against Silvio last week, highlighted by Amari Cooper actually being relevant for one week (23.6 points) before going 0-for-3 on the waiver wires Wednesday (As a side note, we had three owners vying for the Cleveland Browns’ defense which seems bizarre on many levels). I’m enjoying Jon’s relevance thus far in the league – fourth highest point totals through two weeks and a weekly contributor to riffrafffootball.com – but I’d be remised not to mention he’s doing this without Le’Veon Bell coupled with Bilal Powell, Trey Burton, and Cooper in his starting rotation. I’m secretly rooting for him to throw out Theo Riddick for a week just to see how many dump offs the Lions’ back can collect before he trades him to desperately-needing-running backs Toby for like $35 in future draft dollars.

OBJ have a good week? Not on my watch

7. Dorne Diredonkeys (Mark)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 4th

Analysis: Following his 15 minutes of fame, Mark clearly forgot to bring his guys to play in week 2, believing Team Motley was nothing short of a one-week-wonder; the two-time finalist was wrong! The Alex Smith experiment is officially over in Dorne after two weeks and Patrick Mahomes will be Mark’s standard bearer after his team posted a dismal 106 points in week 2. Moving forward, this team should be somewhat terrifying, considering Mahomes and Michael Thomas’ play thus far. More concerning, OBJ nor Gronk have broken out in one of those “holy shit” games (probably against me in week 3), Julian Edelman will be back in week 5 and Blair Walton might be a steal. This ranking is more due to those ahead of him after 2 weeks than anything else…

6. Denver ponyboys (Carlos)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 2nd

Analysis: Tough loss to FIL aside, Carlos has to be breathing a sigh of relief – Fournette is back this week and Melvin Gordon could have come back in if the Buffalo Bills could score points. We all have bad weeks, but please don’t sleep on a roster featuring Fournette, Gordon, Tom Brady, Tyreek Hill and Zach Ertz every week. There’s no doubt Carlos needs some WRs – he has Jordy Nelson and Ben Watson starting – but he’s as legitimate a threat as there is.

5. The Pain Train (Fredo Maisel)

Record: 2-0

Last Ranking: 10th

Analysis: And there we have it – Fredo Maisel gets some love he so desperately craves, as evident by his 20 minute phone call rant this morning about deserving top-of-the-fold headlines for his season. The last 5 days – including defeating the commish, prime real estate in the weekly recap, and starring in a new Amazon spinoff – have literally been the best days of his fantasy football life (Fredo is on pace to win 44% more games this season than he had in the two previous seasons combined!). And guess what? #GMRRFFA is better off with an enthusiastic-if-ungrateful Fredo Maisel is involved in title contention. That said, I will remain reluctant to believe in any team featuring a plethora of Browns and Lions until they’ve been anointed league champs. In the meantime, the unlikely Fredo Maisel is sitting atop the Kidney Stone Division all by his lonesome, which has never happened before.

4. Team Motley (Makese)

Record: 2-0

Last Ranking: 11th

Analysis: In the biggest move up the board this week, Makese is legit here (honestly, he has a slight edge over Fredo’s Pain Train for a few reasons: 1, a slight points advantage; 2, Fredo’s all-but-certain rant that these rankings are biased). Makese is all in on the season, as evident by acquiring Josh Gordon from the Blockbuster of #GMRRFFA, #Smeet. His loss of Joe Mixon could be a serious problem and candidly his roster now is essentially held together by bubble gum and duct tape (Big Ben, Marshawn Lynch, Sony Michel, D(rops) Thomas, Gordon) but I want to join this bandwagon for as long as I can. No other upstart 2-0 franchise this season conducts themselves with more grace than Makese, who acts like he’s been here before and we’re all better for it.

3. The Big Gronkowski (Tito Galen)

Record: 0-2

Last Ranking: 3rd

Analysis: Ok, hear me out about this and don’t start spreading reverse-jinx conspiracy theories: First, Tito Galen is 2nd in the league in scoring, averaging 145 points per week. The league average at this point? 128 points per week. Second, he lost week 1 by less than two points. Third, his opponents in week 1 and 2 dropped the second highest and highest points totals for the week. Finally, look at his stacked roster again. If and when Tito Galen drops a dud, then we can dive in, but in the meantime, I’m not interested in hearing any lip about the already-crowned champion of the league.

2. Lets Eat a Goddamn Snack (Stabs)

Record: 1-1

Last Ranking: 5th

Analysis: If you can boast a team with six players averaging 17 or more points per week, then congrats because you have Stabs’ roster. What’s the over/under for Todd Gurley touchdowns this season? 20? 25? 30? If Jordan Reed and Marvin Jones Jr. – averaging 12 points each respectively – are your “holes” in the roster, guess what? You’re in solid position. I’m very excited to see what him and Fredo do in their match-up this week, particularly given the overabundance of Lions in play, but how Stabs performs could be telling for the season to come for this guy, who got his first win since Week 12 of the 2017 season last weekend.

1. Lights, Kamara, Action! (Garcia)

Record: 2-0

Last Ranking: 1st

Analysis: Honestly the biggest surprise coming from the LKA! Camp this week is that he is unapologetic in the fact that he wears Crocs. The Kelce deal was brilliant, if for only week 2, and the Kamara-McCaffrey duo is absolutely lights out. Combined, they’ve caught 35 passes out of 42 targets thus far this season to go along with rushing/receiving/touchdown points. At the end of the day, if your RBs are averaging 17.5 receptions per week before any other points, you are literally set up to be successful. Candidly, LKA! has one more trade in him for a WR – Chris Hogan just isn’t getting it done with four catches on the season – like Sammy Watkins maybe, but Garcia and his crocs are all-in on 2018.