Week 9 is a wrap and its ELECTION DAY (did you vote? I didn’t but Facebook tells me I should ask you), and it was a more entertaining week of match-ups than usual with four in play heading in to an atrocious MNF game, plus a 5th that will likely not be finalized until Thursday when ESPN does stat corrections. In any case, the last 7 days have been somewhat entertaining yet controversial so let’s dive in…
Fantasy Football Decision Day Life is about choice. Democrat vs Republican; Biggie vs. Tupac; Real Housewives of Atlanta vs RHO Orange County. Drinking too much and sleeping in vs waking up and checking injury updates for fantasy foorball is a crucial one. Despite being saved from catastrophe via the Watson/Dak fiasco (see below), the less-than-interested ponyboys suffered what could be a devastating loss to ANUS (who fretted about losing to a depleted roster Sunday like a school girl wondering if someone would ask her to prom). Perhaps being a few hours behind coupled with being single and getting to drink ad nausea because weekends without kids are golden, Carlos didn’t get the news that both Leonard Fournette AND Zac Ertz were out this week. He didn’t have much choice with running backs (see below), but keeping Delanie Walker on the bench with 12 points could cost him dearly after a 7 point loss to ANUS. Now, ponyboys are on the outside looking in at the playoffs and ANUS is saved for a week at least…
Dorne Scores Bigly In the premiere match up of the season, Dorne took control of his division title and playoff aspirations by besting Fury Division leader Kaeptain America by a ten-point margin. Big days by Jared Cook and Alvin Kamara have all but clinched Dorne’s ticket to the post-season (needing just one win to officially get in). More importantly, he’s up a game (plus a tiebreaker) over the Hey I’m sensitive Gronks, meaning his magic number to clinch his division is down to two (Dorne wins and/or Gronks losses). Meanwhile, the Kaeptain is tied for a division lead (with a head-to-head win over the insufferable Trubisky Business), but his path to a division title is a bit trickier with less wiggle room. Following a 5-0 start, Stabs is just 1-3 over his last four, coincidentally when Aaron Rodgers went down.
The Trade that Wasn’t, Part 2: A Family Affair
Lest we forget, but as commissioner I feel I must nip this one in the butt before it ruins my holidays. There’s a dark cloud hanging over the Reilabitos (Reillys + Morabitos), and as I prepare to see my father-in-law next week, we need to delve in to this a bit. Carlos needed a running back; instead of just picking one up or trading for a decent RB, he attempted to trade the #6 QB Dak Prescott for Chris Ivory, the Jags #3 RB and Robert Woods… This weekend, both Ivory and Woods had respectable games, but that was largely due to Fournette being benched for missing a team photo, so I take that with a grain of salt. In any case, I’ve never seen a trade vetoed as quickly as that one (hey John, please REMEMBER Carlos was the 10th veto on the trade) and never seen a season saved like that trade being vetoed (Watson went down with a torn ACL literally 2 hours after the trade was defeated). I don’t want to make it a habit that the league vetoes a lot of trades, but anytime Galen and I see eye-to-eye, perhaps a veto is a necessity… sorry John, all the love in the world grump grump… (on a side note, I’ve never had someone curse me out as much as my FIL last week following the veto. Sad face)
So Close
To compound the ill-will my FIL has towards me, he lost (LOST) to Toby by just .1 points, which is absolutely brutal. Toby being Toby, he neglected to fill his empty TE position, so that’s just adding salt to STLU’s wounds, but folks should note that ESPN will usually do stat corrections on Thursday, and while no offensive adjustments have been made in the last few weeks, ESPN has corrected stats for offensive players 17 times this season, usually negating points. So while STLU lost, we could see an updated score in a few days, so stand by. Going from 5-4 to 6-3 will shake up the playoff seedings, moving STLU up to 4th from 8th. Stay tuned. (Another fun side note: My wife, learning her dad lost to Toby, responded: “Seriously? He lost to Toby? That’s awful.”)
Some Random Ramblings
ATHNN FINALLY won, breaking a season-high five game losing streak against Men’Julio, who has all but waived the white flag in a season of fantasy football torture. At 4-5, Coop needs a few more wins when he faces 5-4 Vienna Sausages and 6-3 Kaeptain but getting back in the W column this week helps… Meanwhile, your favorite Porn dealer won his third in a row, besting Makese, who couldn’t find a quarterback to start let alone add another kicker (remember that time he spent $22 to keep Stephen Gostowski in the off-season???). The porn dealer looks good today, but he faces a BRUTAL schedule down the stretch plus his Snapchat account was disabled earlier this week because he allegedly doesn’t tip when he follows video content providers… the Vienna Sausages and I had 5 Detroit Lions playing last night with our match-up still in doubt, which is just abominable. Two teams shouldn’t have as much vested interest in whether Matthew Stafford throws touchdowns to someone not named Tate, Abdullah, or Riddick ever. Ever.
Division Among Owners
Taking a peak at the division races, on the surface, it looked apparent that the Fire Division may have a stronger division from top to bottom. The division has a combined record of 34-29 compared to the Fury’s combined 29-34. Even more, the division’s owners are 17-12 in intra-division competition and has 5 teams above .500. The division also boasts 3 of the top 4 highest scoring teams in the league, but don’t get too excited to face off against the Fury Division in the post season; its 3 best teams (Kaep, Vienna, and myself) are 5-3 against the top five Fire Division team and average 114.8 points per week, compared to 115.3 point per game for the top 5 Fire Division teams. The conclusion, I presume, is the Fury Division is significantly top-heavy; the division’s bottom 3 teams (Toby, ASOMIF, and Men’Julio) are just 4-9 in intra-party match-ups.
While We are Here
I’m hinting at it because we’re pretty darn close, but the playoffs are pretty much here. Four weeks left and I think its unofficially official that Makese and Men’Julio are out of the postseason at 2-7, so here’s where we stand (top 8 are in):
1. Dorne (7-2)
2. Kaeptain (6-3)
3. Trubisky (6-3)
4. The big unless the water’s cold Gronks (6-3)
5. ANUS (5-4)
6. Vienna Sausages (5-4)
7. Wholesale Porn Dealers (5-4)
8. STLU (5-4)
9. Ponyboys (4-5)
10. ATHNN (4-5)
11. A Raging Dumpster of Toby (3-6)
12. ASOMIF (3-6)
Scenarios:
First, Toby and ASOMIF can’t lose again and their faceoff this weekend is essentially a loser leaves town match-up, but wins by all of the 5-4 teams will basically crush postseason hopes regardless…
Second, Dorne’s essentially in barring colossal upheaval in the league, and clinches with one more win or one loss by the ponyboys (hey, they square off this weekend!).
The Kaeptain is close to clinching, but his magic number is essentially two (or 3) wins, or losses by ATHNN and Denver.
The big stupid yet sensitive cuddler Gronks are in better shape, needing two wins or losses by ATHNN and Denver.
The rest of the lot? Its really hit-or-miss. Even at 6-3, I definitely can’t clinch this week, with a week 2 loss to ATHNN and a week 11 match-up with Denver. My magic number is 3; wins or losses by both ATHNN and Denver. After that, it gets really complicated, so I’m not going to even bother…
Having Said That
This week’s loser leaves town match-up for ASOMIF and Toby is an intriguing one, but there’s a ton of others, including me visiting the porn dealers, dopplegangers Stabs and Silvio squaring off, dorne vs Denver in a battle of destination hotspots; the Caring is Sharing Gronks vs the angry as all fucks STLU, and Makese and Men’Julio battling it out for the 13th seed in the losers bracket. Every week is a playoff match-up, so get busy actually setting your line-ups this week.
The commissioner
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