With week one in the rearview, check out the Week 2 power rankings, brought to you by my place of employment! Candidly, if you’re 6-12 don’t get too excited. The waters are muddied, and I think its premature to rank too accurately based on one week of results, but that said, we have a NEW #1 and the same old #14, so let’s dive in…
14. Bad Journeys (Smeet)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 14th
Analysis: Its been a tough start for Smeet this season – he started with a disastrous Doug Baldwin trade (which led to Dorne nabbing OBJ) coupled with a sloppy start to week 1, where Smeet’s roster stumbled against Fredo Minnella. It definitely got worse for Smeet this week, when he proclaimed the following:
Then, Smeet followed his first loss of the season by dropping Michel Gallup for DeSean Jackson and dropped $90 (out of $300 FA waiver budget) on TJ Yeldon, who may or may not be filling in for Leornard Fournette this weekend. He might be catching a break, not facing one of the #GMRRFFA elites, but it’s a rivalry week for Smeet, facing Toby in what is nothing short of the Kitten Bowl of #GMRRFFA. A loss would be crippling for Smeet; after a week 3 match-up with FIL, he gets Carlos, Galen, Mark, and Stabs. Seriously, starting 1-2 or even 0-3, could make Smeet an early seller this year by October.
13. Dude where is my Carr? (FIL)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 9th
Analysis: Looking forward to FIL coming to DC next week, but its tough to ignore his team name first and foremost. One, he’s referencing a 2000 movie, which is as close to a cultural reference as I can hope from the best Grandpa Riff Raff your illustrious commish could hope for. Second, he adds “where is” instead of “where’s” which is just funny to me.
On the actual #fantasyfootball side of things, Detroit’s Defense failed him last week after that pick-six made it look like he’d knock off Coop. He’s been quiet in the league but he did drop Bortles for Foles this week as he faces off against his second favorite son – 1-0 Carlos – in a must-win week 2. More curiously, he has some legit garbage on his team in the name of Doug Martin, and he made zero bids on some of the more attractive FAs this week on the wire, like Phillip Lindsay. He has the skill position players in his starting lineup, but he needs a near-lights out performance to knock off a legit #GMRRFFA title contender.
12. Vienna Sausages (Jon Del)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 10th
Analysis: Despite a tough loss to Dorne last week, I can’t be too critical of Jon Del after one week, and the ranking today more reflects how muddied up 6 through 12 are after one week. The Sausages dropped 128 points, 7th highest in the league, and it can’t be forgotten that some of his better players simply put up pedestrian numbers – Powell at 7.5, Cooper at a dismal 2.8, and a wide-open Trey Burton at just 2.5. I don’t know if this team is good yet, but it has AB and Le’Veon Bell when he returns, and the pieces are there for a run if role players do anything. I candidly think Jon will likely focus more on his roster than his writing, unlike Smeet, and won’t stay long at the bottom. He has a HUGE match-up against Silvio this week, so let’s hold off on too much criticism until after.
11. Team Motley (Makese)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 13th
Analysis: Remember all the hate this guy got for the Gostowski debacle? Well, its in the rearview now following a huge upset over Stabs this weekend despite Ben Roethlisberger doing everything he could to let the Browns win. I am pleasantly surprised with Mixon’s performance this week and think it could be a legit run, but I’d be skiddish on Jared Cook dropping 29 points combined the rest of the season. The undefeated streak may be short-lived though as he faces perennial powerhouse Dorne (sans credible RBs) this weekend.
10. Theoriddickly, Still Alive (Fredo Minnella)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 11th
Analysis: CAN WE PLEASE GIVE FREDO SOME LOVE??? This guy is on cloud-nine right now, breaking the top 10 in the power rankings for the first time even while having an above-500 record! For one week, the world is Fredo’s oyster, and the confidence is oozing, considering he didn’t make a single FA bid on waivers Wednesday. He only posted 107 points in week 1 (third lowest) but that was with Stafford, Henry, and Graham all forgetting to show up to opening weekend. I’m also uncomfortable with any fantasy roster featuring two Cleveland Browns in its starting line-up (Hyde and Landry), but the franchise may be turning the corner and faces a meek NO Defense this weekend. Like everyone below the top 5, the jury is still out but we will know more on Fredo’s roster after this weekend against his mentor and your favorite commissioner.
9. In Bob Mueller we Trust (Toby)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 8th
Analysis: I remain reluctant to heap any praise on Toby, but I can’t knock his opening weekend #GMRRFFA performance, which was an L to LKA! after Aaron Rodgers opened up my chest and replaced my heart with a tootsie roll. Dropping 121 points with Tyrod Taylor’s play and Doug Baldwin’s goose egg suggests Toby may have a strong season (though no way Dion Lewis breaks 20 points every week). I’m excited for the Kitten Bowl this weekend just to see if Toby can continue his improved play (I say Ye,s fwiw).
(Commissioner’s Note: Get ready for a side rant here…I’m ok with owners being in other leagues, but hearing ad nausea about whether Toby should add Russell Wilson or Adam Thielen in another league is flat stupid. First, NO ONE cares about other peoples’ fantasy rosters. It’s a fact, even in the #GMRRFFA WhatsApp group chat. Second, in what league do either become available along with a host of other very competent players? How are we taking a discussion of this seriously? Its clear that the league is free and owners simply don’t care or else those two studs wouldn’t be available via free agency. Just stop pretending that’s a real league. Finally, why does Toby need help making a decision on this? Like, its pretty simple, if I have a garbage QB (he has Big Ben so no), he takes Russell; otherwise obviously take Thielen. What’s worse, he’s eating up the group chat while someone like Jon Del is offering new content for the owners. Ugh, its irked me for weeks. I need to ban discussion of the faux fantasy league he plays in with his senior citizen girlfriend’s bridge friends.)
8. Stockholm Syndrome (Silvio)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 5th
Anaylsis: Its never a good week when you’re labeled a sex tourist and then have to re-affirm you’ve never paid for sex, or when you’re trounced in opening weekend. Silvio’s team posted a mind-numbing 68 points and its pretty clear that all three stud keepers – Russell, Nuk and Zeke – may have some struggles (not because of their direct actions but others in their offense). I secretly think Silvio knows he has garbage and has resigned himself to a potentially disappointing season after an amazing 2017 championship run. More so, how else would a former unicorn be hiking on opening weekend of the NFL season? I’m not writing off the reigning champ by any stretch, but I think there’s a lot of question marks beyond his stud keepers and this week’s match-up with Vienna Sausages will tell us a lot about his season.
7. Trubisky Business (Commissioner Riff Raff)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 7th
Analysis: An overrated, bloated line-up featuring LeSean McCoy and Jack Doyle can’t win the #GMRRFFA championship. Move on because this ends with a 1-13 record and a huge sell off in October. If your illustrious commish breaks the top 10 after this month, I’d be shocked.
6. Kerryon my Wayward Johnson (Coop)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 12th
Analysis: In the biggest leap of the rankings, Coop’s squad skyrocketed up to 6th on the back of Drew Brees, Dalvin Cook, and Stefon Diggs. If Coop keeps getting Brees’ numbers from week 1, he could be a championship contender throughout the year. He’s facing a monster showdown with LKA! this week, which may be a pivotal playoff tiebreaker, but solid performances from ASJ and Alex Collins could prove beneficial in a fairly-even match-up in Week 2.
5. Let’s Eat a Goddamn Sandwich (Stabs)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 3rd
Analysis: What a disaster to start the season for Stabs, who’s now had three straight heart-wrenching losses in #GMRRFFA, going back to last season’s regular season finale and 1st round playoff loss. Against Makese, his team simply under-performed – Watson at a dismal 13 points, Freeman at just 8 points and Delanie Walker’s injury – essentially sealing the L, the first time Stabs has ever been under .500 in #GMRRFFA. Smartly, he made a trade for Jordan Reed to replace Walker (Twitter seemed to agree in the decision), but he still has a hole at WR potentially, especially after trading Randall Cobb. Marvin Jones and Brandoin Cooks are solid role players, but Stabs may have to lean heavily on the Jets’ Quincy Enuwa more regularly this year after an impressive 18-point Week 1 performance.
4. Dorne Diredonkeys (Mark)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 6th
Analysis: What a way to start for the two-time #GMRRFFA finalist, who posted a 171 point total, easily the best in the league, on his way to coasting against a game Vienna Sausages. For a team with Gronk as its starting TE, I loved the deal for Cobb, who I think will be an elite top-20 WR by the end of the season. That said, I can’t trust his RBs, despite AP and Carson showing up in Week 1. If AP is posting near 100 yard performances on the regular, I’ll change my tune, but not sure the ‘Skins will have that many easy lay-ups like they did against the Cardinals (and as a Washington fan, Mark should know better about being overly-optimistic on their season). He has a little pressure this week against Makese to live up to his season opener, or be upset by the 1-0 Team Motley, which is no stranger to pulling upsets of the week.
3. The Big Gronkowski (Galen)
Record: 0-1
Last Ranking: 1st
Analysis: I really wanted to keep Galen at #1 but I figure if these rankings are to be credible, I need to be honest. In fact, I like the story even better now: “A once-in-a-lifetime talent faces the highest expectations, stumbles, and regains trust from his closest friends and family to overcome being an underdog for the first time in his life and reach immortality.”
Galen’s not really in much trouble yet as he posted the 3rd highest total in week 1 and still barely lost when Jordy Nelson actually caught a pass or two. His line-up remains STACKED even after Kareem Hunt dropped only 4.9 points on Sunday, and he’s well-positioned to take a potential injury to any of his starters thanks to a deep bench. He faces an absolute must-win match-up for Stabs this week but even then his WRs are light years ahead of Stabs. I’d keep my stock in the Big Gronkowski for the long-term as he’s not leaving his proverbial frontrunner perch.
2. denver ponyboys (Carlos)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 4th
Analysis: HUGE WIN for Carlos, even if it was too close for comfort (well, Carlos was sleeping through Monday Night Football presumably so who knows). I know he’s concerned about Fournette (or not but who knows) and I know – for a fact – he was excited to beat Galen because he actually liked a tweet I sent out Tuesday. He has a fun match-up with FIL (his father) this weekend and Carlos even made a $1 FA bid on Lindsay this week (don’t think we didn’t notice). This new-and-slightly-more-engaged Carlos makes for a formidable opponent in #GMRRFFA, which is sad because I had high hopes of offering him a ton of garbage in trades like I did last year.
1.Lights, Kamara, Action! (Garcia)
Record: 1-0
Last Ranking: 2nd
Analysis: AND YOUR NEW #1 is Eric Garcia, the same owner who complained on Twitter about a lack of love:
The Rodgers game was miraculous, but look closer at his team and there are reasons to be concerned for his opponents every week. He won by a comfortable margin with Rodgers out for ½ the game and the Chargers D dropping -8, so just imagine if his players hit peak performance in the same week. LKA! Is legitimately scary every week because of solid studs at all positions – but if there is one flaw in the Death Star, check out Tight End, and maybe he should have made a move for Jordan Reed. Starting Antonio Gates (or less dangerously, Tyler Eifert) is not necessarily ideal in Week 2 or throughout the season… His real challenge is a brutal few weeks ahead – Coop, Carlos, Galen – but if he finishes 3-1 or, gulp, 4-0, he’ll be through the toughest stretch of schedule eying postseason positioning before last-minute Halloween costume shopping occurs.
There you have it – enjoy, discuss, @ me how much disappointment you feel.