From the Desk of Smeet: THE FIRST MAILBAG

Welcome to the first mailbag from the Desk of Smeet, where the content definitely has not improved with time. That being said here are some of the inaugural questions by members of our league, friends, family, and fans.

Q: Is Odell finished? - Pat S, East Rutherford

Smeet: Finished smoking that bowl? I hope so for the sake of Giant’s fans, and really for your sake Pat. In terms of his status on the team and being able to bounce back from that injury? I think he will be good to go this year. It’s a contract year after all and if he was smart he would prove he’s recovered and not as much of a terrible teammate. We can only hope he is done with imaginary peeing.

Q: Is Gwen Stefani attractive? - Jon D, Mayor Vienna Sausage Town

Smeet: This is one of Jon’s favorite questions to ask and now he has the audience of a few thousand brain cells…maybe. But let’s discuss.(disclaimer I am ignoring what she might look like sans make-up in sweats) I think she is the chameleon of beauty because she can look smoking hot, average, or downright meh. It’s obviously personal taste but depending on the hair and makeup I think she is attractive. Take it further, the ugly husband effect is in full play here and compared to Blake she is a specimen of the highest order. That being said, who are we kidding we all married up. Except Toby.

Q: How many proms have you been to? How come so many? - My Wife, Pantsville

Smeet: Ok so this is not really from my wife but it’s a GREAT question, at least for your enjoyment it’s a great question, thank you for the submission. We only have content if we have contributors so keep it coming, even at my expense…especially at my expense. 

So this is probably shocking to anyone but a career pedophile but I have been to 5 proms. Yes 5 proms. I have been to a prom at the age of 21 and actually had a drink with a chaperone at the hotel bar. 5 proms. In my defense, if there is such a thing here, 3 of the proms were with the same girl. My senior Prom, her Junior and Senior prom. So that’s 3 right there out of being in a committed relationship (our song was “I don’t wanna miss a thing” from the Armageddon soundtrack, so adorable right? 

My first Prom, we shall call it Blackout Prom was shit. Took a girl, girl went home with a good friend of mine instead of me, and I got blackout drunk in the commissioners basement. Good times. 

Last prom was because I had a case of the blues so I had a rebound of like 4 years (that’s TOTALLY normal right, right!). 3 prom girl and I broke up and I met a new 18 year old girl who was about to graduate High School and she took me to her prom…she once caught her hair on fire at a bar in Philly…good times. 5 PROMS! 

Also fun fact: Blackout Prom girl works at the Barber Shop Matt goes on 3 hour tour to for a haircut. Pretty sure they laugh at me while he gets his hair cut. 

Q: Have you seen the trailer for Han Solo? - Puh Leez Fog Et, 5 Prom story

Smeet: Do I shit 4 times a day?! OF COURSE I have seen the trailer. Not sure if you need me to expand here but it is potentially possible for me to fall in love with the side stories more than the triple trilogies or is nonology? Whatever you call them I loved Rogue One and I cannot wait for Boba Fett. Call that sacrilegious but I don’t care. Argue me in a possible future mailbag or make you own!

Q: Why is Matt so bad at fantasy? Football and sexually? - Crystal, Jersey City

Smeet: This is another fantastic question from our readers! If you know Matt the answer is simple, he is too conservative. Don’t let him fool you into thinking he isn’t. The guy didn’t learn to ride a bike till he was like 30. He was the only repeat Saturn customer that has ever lived and he wears cargo shorts, and shoes by Nunn Bush. But fear not readers, there is hope, and if my friend Andy has anything to say, “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.” And our hope here is that he is so far to the right that he is one wrong turn in Maryland away from entering a My Little Pony Con and warping to the far left…I have a degree in flat earth science, the theory is sound. So I look forward to a new Matt in the year 2018, where he can feel safe nailing some furry ponies from behind and actually nailing some great draft picks too. I don’t think Matt will read this, if he does he might be mad…but he’s not reading so we’re all good!

Q: Is Tom Brady the greatest Player EVER? - Gisele B, New England 

Smeet: Nice try G! But I will answer you. Greatest athlete ever? Without putting much thought into this I have to say absolutely not. Yes, a he is probably the greatest QB in NFL history, and a testament to clean eating and maintaining your body effectively. But the BEST EVER? I know there has to be better athletes. I mean who remembers 2 Scoops, the contestant on the American Gladiatiors, #RIPAG. The guy jumped over a CAR! He was amazing and just a regular dude. I don’t think #12 could jump over Kevin Hart. The answer has to be Bo Jackson with Neon Deion Sanders and Jim Thorpe following behind. You don’t vote against Bo.  

Q: MFK- Galen, Tony, Makese? - Anonymous, Toby’s Chest Cavity 

Smeet: Totally marrying Galen, if you wouldn’t you got a problem. The guy is the best looking Filipino I know. I could never bang Toby so that is completely out of the realm of possibilities. And it’s easy to say bang Makese because I barely know the guy and I am pretending Makese is a synonym for Rhianna. Case closed.

Q: If and when Marijuana is legalized, what should happen to anyone incarcerated for pot-related offenses? - The Artist formally known as Jon, Providence 

Smeet: I want to say release them all but the law was the law when they broke it right? Depending on the crime I err on the side of release with decent compensation for lost wages and any other damages associated with being a criminal. Also expunge their records. It all depends on the crime, so I say in typical DC fashion you would need a Marijuana Conviction Taskforce to oversee the cases and develop policy to fix that shit, or just collect our money and be completely inefficient with it…

Q: What’s the most painful injury you’ve ever experienced and how would your rate it compared to a woman giving birth?  - Trap Question from the minds of any woman that knows me, IT’S A TRAP! 

Smeet: At the time, I totally would have said my injury was worse than birth but after witnessing my wife in labor for 24 hours, 12 without any meds I have to go with child birth being worse…because it’s probably true and if I answer differently I am going to get destroyed. But what was this injury you ask? Let me explain: 

Severely dislocated my right arm playing KICKBALL! Our commissioner was there and went with me to the hospital. He can confirm that it was gruesome, it was dislocated for a while, I got shot up with a lot of drugs, it took the dr a ton of effort to get it back in, and when it did I projectile vomited. It was dislocated for like 3 hours before they got it back in. When it did, along with the vomit, it felt like I came 1,000 times. It was euphoric. So yeah, kickball is dangerous and I am made of glass. Had my shoulder rebuilt a few years later so I am a virgin again, that’s how that works right?

Q: Remember the Bermuda triangle? How come that’s not a thing anymore? - Man in Black, X-Files aka Matt’s Dad. 

Smeet: Shhhh they’re reading this! But really I think it’s because we have better navigation and weather reports to prevent people from flying into crazy storms that crash planes and sink ships….or the government is doing a better job of covering up the portal to another dimension. The Final Countdown anyone? I am going to stop discussing this before a red dot shows up on my chest.

Q: Seriously how much do you spend on Snap Chat each month? How much is the correct amount?  - Dan, DC 

Smeet: I answer this off line all the time it seems but the correct answer is zero. I am savvy smut shopper and have only purchased SC content when it is offered on sale for a lifetime subscription. Or till the girl isn’t hot anymore, or SC ruins the interface. And in reality the SC updates killed it. It’s too much of a PITA now. I don’t even open SC unless I get a DM from someone I actually know.  So with that the answer to your second question is 0.

Q: Who’s more concerning for Me? Mueller or Daniels? - Donald, Golf Course

Smeet: Talk about street cred, President in the house! But seriously Donald get your shit together because the answer is obvious. You need to be most concerned with Mueller and I will tell you why. No one should care who you had sex with, when you had sex with them, and how much you paid them to not tell us you had sex with them. This should be the case for all presidents but especially you man, because we already know that you’re sleazy and have grossly neglected probably any woman you have ever met. Yet you are still our president and your sexual escapades should have no bearing on your political platform unless of course you start having sex with…Mueller?

Q: How do I become a better Commissioner like Dan Reilly? - Roger, New York 

Smeet: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry Roger but I didn’t think you would know I was talking to you without that introduction. 

First things first you need to make the NFL a year round show with content flooding our lives with weekly content keeping us interested between the Super Bowl and the pre-season. Oh wait you already do that too. Don’t make shady deals like trying to ban the potentially BEST ATHELETE EVER for a deflated football. Dan Reilly would NEVER try to pull a fast one…. 

Man I don’t have the answers all the time. You’re terrible and that’s that. Even with his shortcoming Dan is a fabulous commissioner, I mean he even empowered me of all people to write a guest column. What have you done for me Roger!? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Q: Do you feel Paul Ryan sufficiently serves as an avatar for everything wrong in America?

 - Toby, DC

Q: Which major industry Paul Ryan passes awful legislation for this year will he lobby for first? Big Pharma or big banks?

 - Silvio, Where retired Unicorns Live

Smeet: You guys really know how to ask the questions I am the MOST qualified to answer. My political literacy is only rivaled by Dan’s ability to fix broken stoves (if you don’t know that story, ask him). 

So to answer Toby first, I think he is up there with say Trump but he can’t be the Avatar because WE HAVE TRUMP AS OUR PRESIDENT! You don’t need an avatar when you have the real thing representing our country. From everything I have read to get semi-educated enough to even know who Paul Ryan is I must say is a real winner. In 2004 he moved to modify the excise tax on arrows! But maybe he was smart and wanted to prevent Hawkeye from being able to take him out in the future…hmmm. 

For the unicorn…at this point could he successfully lobby for anything? He might not be allowed to even ENTER a lobby of wherever it is you lobby in the first place. Taking a guess though I would say he would lobby for Big Pharma first just because I think they might be more lucrative beneficiary from these new tax bills. I think the big banks are doing just fine and probably want Paul as far away from them as possible.

Q: Can I be in your league? Seriously I want to be in a league where there are obviously high IQ individuals putting the smart money on smart players. - Steve G, New England

Smeet: How much are you willing to pay me to put in a good word with the Commish? I can get you to the top of the waiting list even though I think that list has 0 names on it, but we aren’t allowed to see it.

Also I suspect you won’t be a keeper this year or for that matter I don’t think any kicker will cost more than 3 dollars in the draft. 

Sorry dude you’ll never be better than Vinatieri.  

If you actually read this far, congratulations! And thanks to Dan for letting me do the mailbag.